It’s been a while since we checked in with our latest, favorite leaker of national security information, Reality Winner. (And say what you will about treason or whatever, she’s got the best name of any alleged traitor in history.) Because the process of getting this case to trial is going to take a while, Winner has been cooling her heels behind bars. But now she’s making a novel bid for release to home detention while awaiting her day in court. The reason? Prison food is the worst, man. (Daily Mail, emphasis added)

Reality Winner, the former NSA contractor accused of leaking classified documents, is seeking release from jail before her case goes to trial.

Winner, 25, has been remanded in Lincoln County Law Enforcement Center in Georgia, after it was decided that she was too much of a flight risk to be allowed out on bail during her arraignment on June 9…

As a self-proclaimed vegan who eats Kosher, Winner revealed in her letter that she has ‘suffered health problems’ and is taking medication to aid in her digestion of prison food.

The former Airwoman, who served as a linguist fluent in Farsi and Arabic, also made note of her active lifestyle, stating she intends to continue to teach yoga and spinning class if she is released.

So the prison food isn’t working out for a… kosher vegan. Hang on a second here while I pop over to dictionary.com.

Vegan: noun 1. a person who does not eat or use animal products.

Kosher: adjective 1. (of a person) observing Jewish food laws.

How exactly does that work? I’m no expert on Kashrut, but I thought it mostly directs one to avoid certain animal products (which shouldn’t be an issue for a vegan) and to avoid mixing meat and dairy (ditto). I’m also pretty certain that prisons and jails have to provide kosher meals for the faithful. Seems as if you could order those and just pass on the meat. Unless, of course, you’re not Jewish. But in that case, why are you eating Kosher?

The reason that Ms. Winner is eating prison food is that she was determined to be a flight risk. I know what you’re thinking… that’s silly. Why would the court come to that conclusion? It’s not as if NSA contractors who steal and release sensitive data have a habit of disappearing and suddenly showing up in China or Russia with a laptop full of secrets, right?

Say… here’s an idea. Perhaps Reality Winner can throw in with Orange County, NY prisoner David McWillis. He’s doing time in the Goshen jail and is currently bringing a federal lawsuit against the facility because the chicken alfredo in the commissary costs too much.

The chicken alfredo is too pricey for one upstate inmate, who claims the cost of food behind bars in Orange County is criminal.

David H. McWillis is so outraged at the $3.75 cost of the Italian specialty that he’s making a federal case out of it.

“There is a price-gouging situation going on” at the Orange County facility, McWillis claims in a Manhattan federal court lawsuit against the jail and the food-service company Aramark.

If only there were some secret to making the prison food more palatable and friendly to all of the kosher vegans who are serving time. Of course, even if such a secret existed, I doubt anybody would be giving it to Reality Winner. It would be on the front page of the Washington Post the next morning.