"This is the best news I've heard in a while!" shouted Nate Thomas, who immediately began planning a summer vacation with his family. "We figured this summer would be a total wash due to a bunch of filthy commies running around doing, you know, filthy commie stuff. Now that we know they're going to stay confined to campus all summer, we're free to enjoy ourselves!"

The same sentiment was shared by others from coast to coast. "I was sure this summer was going to be awful," said Zach Lewis. "Colleges emptying out all these crazy leftists into our cities sounded like a disaster waiting to happen. Thankfully, they're promising to stay in their little encampments all summer — what a relief. Thanks, unwashed, tent-dwelling weirdos!"