“We are seeing Hilary continue to weaken as it approaches the West Coast, so we have high hopes that it will not cause any, um… suicides,” said meteorologist Fritz McBeely to reporters. “But we must be aware, this storm is highly unpredictable and could potentially suicide anyone foolish enough to stand in its way.”

Local authorities in Los Angeles have warned their people to board up windows, stack sandbags, and refuse to testify against the hurricane in a court of law in order to avoid being suicided. “The threat is real,” warned McBeely.

[Jeffrey Epstein was unavailable for comment. KIDDING! It’s satire, folks. — Ed]