Kevin McCallister’s parents are unfit

Mr. McCallister further contends that on December 23, 1990, exactly one year after his first abandonment, he was once again subjected to the same kind of abuse by his extended relatives (his naked uncle, for example, threatened to “slap [him] silly”). And once again, my client was left to fend for himself — though this time in even more extreme and dangerous conditions, as he was deserted in O’Hare International, the busiest airport in the United States.

Without any knowledge of air travel, my client found himself on a flight to New York City, an urban area that was experiencing all-time highs in violent crimes (212,458) and murders (2,605) in 1990. Mr. McCallister roamed the city and Central Park at night and again was almost murdered at the hands of the Wet Bandits, who had recently escaped from prison. Nearly the same exact bloody scenario would play out, though this time in an even more violent fashion, leaving my client in mental anguish (paragraphs 3-6 of the Report of Attending Physician, Exhibit E, prepared by Dr. Thaddeus Harding, M.D., D.O., details the emotional suffering endured by Mr. McCallister). This time, my client was saved by a homeless pigeon enthusiast.

Petitioner respectfully requests this Honorable Court to accept the claim that being subjected to such treatment once is bad enough but that the chances of it occurring twice, by accident, in back-to-back years are so infinitesimally small that it should be considered impossible. And thus, Mr. McCallister asks the court to conclude that his family purposely abandoned him twice for Christmas, and that he is eminently more capable than his parents of caring for himself.