Hmmm. I had been reliably informed by Democrat sources that Mitt Romney was a dog abuser, a "vulture capitalist," a man who wanted women in binders, a tax evader, and so out of touch with the working-class man that he installed a car elevator in his palatial garage.

Oh yes, and he was "gonna put y'all back in chains," a warning that came from President Cognitive Decline twelve years ago to black voters. That was before Joe "Threat to Democracy" nominated himself to be Tone Police, of course.

Suddenly, though, Mitt has become the Democrats' Obi-Wan Kenobi after they forced Joe Biden out of the race. At least, he has if Aaron Sorkin writes their script:

The problem in the real world is that there isn’t a Democrat who is polling significantly better than Mr. Biden. And quitting, as heroic as it may be in this case, doesn’t really put a lump in our throats.

But there’s something the Democrats can do that would not just put a lump in people’s throats with its appeal to stop-Donald-Trump-at-all-costs unity, but with its originality and sense of sacrifice. So here’s my pitch to the writers’ room: The Democratic Party should pick a Republican.

At their convention next month, the Democrats should nominate Mitt Romney.

Nominating Mr. Romney would be putting our money where our mouth is: a clear and powerful demonstration that this election isn’t about what our elections are usually about it, but about stopping a deranged man from taking power. Surely Mr. Romney, who doesn’t have to be introduced to voters, would peel off enough Republican votes to win, probably by a lot. The double haters would be turned into single haters and the Nikki Haley voters would have somewhere to go, Ms. Haley having disqualified herself when she endorsed the leader of an unsuccessful attempt to overthrow the government.

First off, props to Sorkin on one point and a partial apology: that's way more entertaining than anything Star Wars has done since an Ewok first toddled onto the screen in Return of the Merchandise. I'd pay to see this on Netflix. Or at least, I'd keep my current subscription in place. 

Entertaining as it may be -- David used it to launch his Sunday Smiles post yesterday -- it's even more absurd. This might look like a clever plot twist from the perspective of a West Wing fictional universe, but in real life, there may be three whole delegates in the room in Chicago that fall politically anywhere near Romney. How many pro-life Democrats remain in Congress, for instance? How many non-socialists? How many anti-Woke Democrats will rally in Chicago?

And how many of them want a "severely conservative" Republican choosing Supreme Court nominees and picking a "bipartisan Cabinet"? Spotting me a dozen or so, I'd put that number at zero. How many delegates in the room would be wondering why they're nominating a Republican rather than one of tens of millions of Democrats for a Democrat presidential nomination? Spotting me another dozen or so, I'd say all of them.

Maybe five would ask what Evan McMullin's doing these days, I grant you. But that's it.

This is nothing more than political fan-fic, or perhaps a better analogy would be fantasy league politics. Even if someone took Sorkin seriously -- does anyone these days? -- an open convention in Chicago would start off as a powder keg as the factions within the Democrat Party jostled for power and control. The same would be true in an open GOP convention, only more amusing, but the hard Left plays for keeps. Even without Romney as a desperation ploy by a panicked party establishment, which is exactly what this would be, the fight to resolve the fault lines between the factions will be passionate, angry, personal, and could threaten to split the party no matter which faction ends up on top.

And what happens when the establishment imposes a Republican instead, especially a Romney-esque traditional Republican? Voters would bail out of the party in droves, and so would its volunteers and activists. The voters might not show up at all or end up voting with RFK Jr or Jill Stein. The progressive donors would also flee, although Wall Street might stick around if they're not calculating the likely winner in their strategies. Democrats would lose in landslides all the way down the ballot. The party might not ever knit itself together again.

Maybe Sorkin would find that entertaining. I certainly would. But if Democrats want realistic political advice rather than Hollywood fantasy, they'd better look for it someplace else. 

Addendum: Not even Sorkin bought his own script, apparently:

Hours later, Biden dropped out of the race and endorsed Kamala Harris. According to actor Josh Malina (The West Wing), Sorkin then shared a private message endorsing Kamala Harris that Malina shared on X.

“I need to borrow your Twitter account again,” Sorkin’s note said. “I take it all back. Harris for America!”

Quick! Someone get Sorkin to write a fusion series between The West Wing and Veep!