Ha, no, just kidding. He never really apologizes.

This doesn’t quite sink to the depths of the average Blagojevich press conference but it comes closer than you’d expect. All this tool had to do was go out there, speak off the cuff about “youthful mistakes” and how his drive to excel led him to make a bad decision, and the whole mess would be over with (until Opening Day). Instead, he (a) reads stiltedly from a statement, as if to emphasize his insincerity, (b) offers the absurd excuse that he thought his cousin was injecting him with an “energy booster,” the name of which he never thought to check against baseball’s list of banned substances, and (c) uncorks one of the longest, most awkward pauses I’ve ever seen. If you watch nothing else here, at least skip ahead to 4:20 and wait — and wait, and wait — for him to thank his teammates. It’s fully 37 seconds by my count. I think he’s trying to work up some tears but can’t quite pull it off. The only thing sweeter to this Mets fan than Yankee-themed schadenfreude is Yankee-themed schadenfreude at the expense of A-Fraud. Come, share my joy.