This is the sort of happy headline you see that makes you spit at your screen in stunned disbelief when you first read it.

REALLY?!

And it's not a joke or a Babylon Bee headline. It comes from no less august and impeccable source than Jake "The Slapper" Tapper.

Weird one... CNN reports that a prominent Democrat has claimed Biden’s advisors have threatened White House staffers, saying they will “beat the shit out” of anyone who says anything about Biden’s health that runs contrary to their narrative. Full report: https://t.co/bKUXT4Vct4 pic.twitter.com/mlyvpNev2c

— m o d e r n i t y (@ModernityNews) July 12, 2024

Let's just step back for a second and try to imagine any of the overtly masculine senior staffers in the Biden White House slapping the Schlitz out of anyone.

Reaction from Biden’s top cabinet officials: 🤦‍♂️ https://t.co/Kldno5XAbS pic.twitter.com/DuLWfrMgf9

— Breaking911 (@Breaking911) July 12, 2024

Yeah...NO. 

None a' dem guys will be slapping - less mind "beating" - anyone anytime soon, if ever, unless they swipe at the wife's Pomeranian with a frustrated fuzzy slipper kick on their way to the head in the morning for nearly tripping them.

In fact, if you remember, I did a piece last fall on Winken Blinken nodding nervously and weeping his way through Biden's Japanese sojourn, looking more like Beto O'Rourke's labrador than Sec State of the United States.

'Ever Wanna Just Cry?': Antony Blinken Edition

...Only the whole world was watching.

Blinken looked like he wanted to cry almost from the very beginning.

That interminable meeting, with the long table and bogus pleasantries exchanged, was the start of his making it pretty obvious. I don’t know if it was the entrée or the agony over wondering which extremity his dementia addled boss was going to insert into his maxillary orifice next was making Sec State squirm. But wiggle, twitch, and mope-face away he did.

He's never slapped anything but the side of his own head.

Poltroon.

And Jake Sullivan? Lloyd Austin?

🚨🇺🇸US officials to wear Visor over the mask.

Video: Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin in the #Philippines wearing a #COVID19 face mask and visor. pic.twitter.com/y5L3uPwRE8

— Terror Alarm (@Terror_Alarm) July 31, 2021

Get outta Dodge, PUH-LEEZ

Surely there's at least one potential leak slapper in what must be a testosterone-swamped White House comms office. I mean, for all the fantasy Dark Brandon braggadocio they spew...and no.

The people telling you he understands the difference when the world plainly saw different: https://t.co/byA7QgmFkt pic.twitter.com/VhI5OhyxRW

— The Dank Knight 🦇 (@capeandcowell) July 12, 2024

PAJAMA BOY CENTRAL

They must have stolen all the tough-guy lines from those late-night Call of Duty or Dungeons and Dragons sessions.

No beatdowns look imminent emanating from this office unless they make one of those Type-A Karens mad - then those guys could have real problems defending themselves. 

I hope they can move fast enough to get to safety after working cushy desk jobs for the past 3 years.

Things are no good. And the way the ship of Biden's state is leaking at the moment - like a sieve - whoever's talking Big Bad smack has yet to make his move to stop it.

...It doesn’t end there today either for the Biden advisor leaks.

NBC News reports that three Biden officials have told them they believe his chances of winning are zero.

The report notes “Several of President Joe Biden’s closest allies, including three people who are directly involved in efforts to re-elect him, told NBC News they now see his chances of winning as zero — and the likelihood of him taking down fellow Democratic candidates growing.”

It adds, “‘He needs to drop out,’ one Biden campaign official said. “He will never recover from this.’”

That's the thing with issuing threats your soyboy frame can't back up with action. It's as if the world has taken the measure of both POTATUS and his staff and decided "bad to the bone" doesn't apply, no matter how many Corn Pop stories were told and hairy legs caressed.

One look at the White House staffers, from senior to gaffer, and all the potential I see violence-wise is them crunching Tums instead of sucking on them.

Prepare to slap away, dudes.

I'm sure you'll do it as effectively as you've done everything else.