Ah, where would be without the do-good nannies of the world, hell-bent on saving us from ourselves? Thou shalt THIS, Thou shalt not THAT, Thou shalt PUT THAT DOWN, SPIT THAT OUT and all the rest of the commanding and demanding these zealots do in the name of the Holy Public Health Gods and the rights of the other people around you [insert snarly face].

Is this actually for real? They want to ban people eating cakes in offices incase some people can’t resist a slice? What on earth is next?! Stop the world I want to get off! Absolute madness 😱 pic.twitter.com/CaBsI9jRbD

— Melanie Blake (@MelanieBlakeUK) January 18, 2023

Yes. Yes, it’s actually – as our son used to say when young – for reals.

If you work in an office, you know the drill. It’s someone’s birthday and the unwritten rules mean they or a generous boss supplies cake (or cakes) for all.

…Food Standards Agency chairwoman Prof Susan Jebb compared being around cake in the office to passive smoking.

You now need to add equity, fairness and your personal responsibility for your office mate’s lack of self control to “why you can’t have cake for special occasions at the office.” Oh. Didn’t know you were responsible for them stuffing half of it into their gaping maw every time one shows up on a desk?

Well. You are.

Bringing cake into the office is as harmful as passive smoking, the chair of the UK’s food watchdog has suggested.

Professor Susan Jebb, the Food Standards Agency chairwoman, said workers should think twice before bringing unhealthy treats into the workplace which might tempt colleagues.

She told The Times: “We all like to think we’re rational, intelligent, educated people who make informed choices the whole time, and we undervalue the impact of the environment.

“If nobody brought cakes into the office, I would not eat cakes in the day, but because people do bring cakes in, I eat them. Now, OK, I have made a choice, but people were making a choice to go into a smoky pub.

See what you did there? By bringing the cake, you passive aggressively made her eat the cake. Ergo? Your fault.

No cake for you.

Miserable gits.https://t.co/Gvc1h7vAmr

— Raheem J. Kassam (@RaheemKassam) January 18, 2023

Yes. Yes, they are miserable and enjoy making you as miserable as possible, too.

…For one worker, a love of sweet treats in the office did not go down well with his colleagues.

While temping in an office in south London, Mick used to bring in biscuits, doughnuts, and chocolate bar multipacks, which he would “munch on” all day as well offering them out.

But he claimed he was told by management his diet was “aggressive” to his female co-workers who were trying to be health conscious.

“The ladies would say ‘no, they’re watching their weight’,” he said.

Mick’s doughnuts were “aggressive” – AGGRESSIVE DOUGHNUTS! – to the sad little flock of dumplings in his office who apparently hadn’t the backbone to stay out of the man’s treats. Or the intestinal fortitude to only eat half of an aggressive doughnut, vice gobbling the whole mean thing down. Or two. Just to show the doughnuts who’s boss, no doubt. YGTBFKM.

We’ve all had that skinny guy at the office we hate, who can eat as much as he wants – and does. So what? Sadly, since I hit my 20’s, I’ve always known it wasn’t me. If only I’d known to call his gobbling aggressive and then I could restrict what he ate.

There’s a fun world to live in.

The BUGS ARE PEOPLE FOOD liberal U.K. press is all over it, as you’d imagine. This is right up their dreary fascist alley…

The UK food watchdog is right – cake belongs at home, not in the officehttps://t.co/A4aQZeKuyH

— The Independent (@Independent) January 18, 2023

…no doubt because the “cake culture research” came from a “university” which means “educated people” and “Experts™.”

Published in the International Journal of Workplace Health Management, the study, which is believed to be the first of its kind, explored the behaviours and attitudes of nearly 1,000 UK office workers towards ‘office cake’ – sugary offerings provided by employees and management for colleagues to share.

The survey, conducted at the University of Chester, found office cake changes employee eating habits and makes workplace environments less healthy, potentially undermining return on investment of workplace health and wellbeing spend.

A key finding was that despite its popularity and high prevalence, almost all (95%) respondents said the ideal frequency for office cake would be once a week or less. The most popular frequency, according to 41% of respondents, would be once a month.

The presence of cake, and the social influencing effects associated with it, led it to be eaten whenever it is available – which was at least once or twice a week in 87% of respondents’ workplaces and daily in 8%. Over a third (36%) of respondents said they never refused cake and over two thirds (68%) found it hard to resist to some extent even if they are not hungry or have just eaten a meal. Nearly a third (31%) felt it had contributed to weight gain, 59% said it made it harder to stick to a weight loss diet and 38% said it made it harder to eat healthily at work.

…The study also found statistically significant differences in behaviour and attitude towards office cake according to gender and age. For example, more women than men acknowledged negative consequences of office cake and found it harder to resist. Fewer older respondents than younger thought cake was a good way to show appreciation or were persuaded to change their minds if they had initially refused it.

These differences could make this type of workplace eating difficult for employers to tackle sensitively and effectively.

I can’t even.

So far the British PM, Rishi Sunack (Auto-correct just tried to change his name to SNACK. It’s a sign.), is holding his ground, being a bit of cake aficionado himself. He also punned in a good message for self-control.

…As to the government’s official position, the prime minister’s official spokesman said Rishi Sunak believed “personal choice should be baked into our approach”.

He added: “We want to encourage healthy lifestyles and are taking action to tackle obesity, which has cost the NHS £6bn annually.

“However, the way to deal with this issue is not to stop people from occasionally bringing in treats for their co-workers.”

Mr Sunak’s spokesman added that the prime minister was “very partial to a piece of cake” and most enjoyed carrot and red velvet cake.

I’d like to point out that over five times as many Brits, once they’d heard about these eggheads, voted in another survey, with three-quarters of them coming down on the side of the angel…food. So, HAH!

Let them eat cake! 3/4 of Brits say it IS acceptable to bring treats into office https://t.co/HhfarF5RfN

— Daily Mail U.K. (@DailyMailUK) January 18, 2023

I’m hoping that frosts some health guru hides. Puts a little sweet crumpet in their trumpets.

That’s if they survive the mockery.

As Eddie Izzard asks in one hilarious routine:

“Cake or death?“

I’ll have the cake, please. Just a tiny piece.