The author of this one is a New York psychoanalyst who has made a name for herself based on several books, most recently one titled Disorganization and Sex. The disorganization part definitely comes through in this opinion piece, though to be fair she does seem to have a point even if it’s not completely clear. Here’s her opener:

There is no end of advice these days on how to be a good person, how to make good decisions, how to be mindful and compassionate, how to have boundaries, how to be open, how to be assertive, how not to be self-effacing, how to be politically invested, how to live in the now, how to live in a world that demands immediacy, how to think about the future, how not to think too much about the future, how not to think. For a certain kind of person — the person who, usually, strives to be a responsible parent, a sensitive friend, an upright citizen, a person who tries to care about their community — it can be impossible not to succumb to the incessant urge to mimic someone else’s supposed balance and feeling of wellness in life. What do we even know about them really?

Okay, I’m sort of on board with the idea that people who spend a lot of time on Instagram or Facebook might be mimicking what they see there. In fact, I’m sure they are. But the connection between that and a desire to be a good person is a little vague. Are people posting misleading social media images trying to be good or are they being selfish, looking for approval and envy? I’d say it’s more likely the latter.

My patients have spent time on the couch struggling with the joys and pains that come with their wish to take drugs, not to expand consciousness but just because; quit their job, not to re-evaluate life but simply to stop working (along with the bonus pleasure of thumbing their nose at their employers); or give in to an irksome captivation with the wrong person at the absolutely wrong time…

These pursuits certainly aren’t what you ought to do — much less post about — and yet I find that it’s when we dwell on our secret enjoyments that we learn the most about ourselves. Sexual and aggressive feelings, veering self-destructive, are finally confronted without the veneer of rationalization.

Drugs have never appealed to me but the idea of a temptation to take the easy road seems pretty universal even if you know it’s short-sighted. Quitting your job to avoid work might be fun for a few days but it won’t be fun when you’re broke and evicted. Sexual and aggressive feelings are something most of us can relate to but acting on those feelings can come with a price.

Listening to my patients, I’ve come to wonder if piety, an infinite demand for dutiful conduct and unthinking reverence, is what is being asked of us endlessly in the current climate. Feelings of guilt and shame hover about like a thick fog. Even forms of defiant transgression — those of the online provocateurs, the proudly “problematic” comedians, the contrarian would-be intellectuals — seem an admission, compulsively flirting with punishment. We are failing to get at the real nature of our desires. A new sanctimoniousness is leaving us without a feeling for what is true or real, both thin-skinned and disaffected.

I think she’s talking about cancel culture and Dave Chappelle, framing those arguments as part of a current form of piety. I might agree with that. Woke is as much a religion as it is an ideology. It is the “new sanctimoniousness” and it does feel empty. So what’s the solution?

All of this leads her to the conclusion that we want what we want and there’s no point fighting it.

What I found, after much work in analysis, is that there is no justification possible, no matter how hard I tried to find it. I want what I want because I want it. You have to live with your choices which are more or less inexplicable to others. The pleasure my daughter gives me is untold, sometimes even disturbing, as if I tempted fate and stole something precious from the gods. And, I confess, despite all this, I revived my occasional smoking habit again after she was born. I just wasn’t willing to let the feeling fade away — not yet.

This is where she loses me. We all want what we want because we want it. From the time we’re two years old that’s a pretty constant reality for most people. And yet, not all desires are equal or have equal impact on those around us. The author’s pleasure in having a young daughter seems positive and likely to make her life and her daughter’s life better. Her desire to smoke not so much. That’s more of a risk that could result in no consequences or, like some sad cases, getting hospitalized with emphysema and still demanding a cigarette to satisfy the nicotine addiction.

That’s far from the most extreme case one could imagine. What if the person hanging on her advice to dwell on sexual and aggressive feelings is a stalker? A violent husband? A rapist? What if her patient was Harvey Weinstein? Would she counsel him to give in to what feels good (we want what we want) or to recognize there are limits where other people’s lives and happiness are involved?

Put another way, the people she says are too concerned about being good to find pleasure are only part of the larger equation. We also can’t forget about the people who are too concerned with themselves and their pleasures to be good. The newspapers are full of terrible examples of this latter type every day.

Can’t wrap this up without looking at the comments. Here’s the top one.

It’s usually easy for me to understand the point someone is trying to make. I found the message here a bit cryptic, but the author seems to be advocating for more narcissistic, impulsive, dopamine triggering behavior.

So If I take her advice, I suppose I should disregard the work I’ve done to become a sober, routine, reliable husband and father. After all, I derived much more instant pleasure from four day weekend parties with the guys, strip clubs, and other risky behaviors that stimulated my dopamine system and got my adrenaline going.

Or I could continue to remember that the world doesn’t revolve around me and focus on serving my family, friends, and community. I may not get as much immediate “pleasure” from this lifestyle, but in the end, it’s much more rewarding.

The #2 comment (ranked by votes):

Oh definitely what people need right now is to be encouraged to follow their own instincts and emotions to wherever, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Because people clearly aren’t self-absorbed enough in the 21st century. Self-evidently, people need encouragement to be even more transgressive than they already are, or to invent new transgressions if adequate ones don’t bubble up organically on their own. Heaven knows people worry far too much about being civilized and decent to each other, or getting along in the complex societies in which they find themselves.

Color me unpersuaded.

Skipping down a bit (but all of the top comments seem to have the same general view of this opinion piece):

“Limits cannot hold when it comes to pleasure”? Seriously? What is becoming a functional adult other than learning to set limits for oneself and not only abide by them but grow into them until they are not limiting? How can we be free compulsively chasing pleasures, especially those that can harm ourselves and others? The addict is the picture of someone unfree, and yes, there are pleasures that are inherently addicting. And many of these, like other addictive substances, only escalate in amount and transgressiveness when indulged in. This is a position that “frees” us at the expensive of both our deeper humanity and ultimate ability to be happy in a society we share with others.

I could keep going but I don’t see a lot of support for her views.