FEC demands proof of existence from God, Satan

The Federal Election Commission has put a number of aspiring candidates on notice in the final weeks of the presidential election and they include God, Satan and the Ghost of Ronald Reagan. If you can’t prove that you are, in fact, who you say you are, you may be facing federal prosecution. Rather than some sort of assault on organized religion or psychic mediums however, these are people who have filed to run for the presidency under fictitious names. (Or at least I certainly hope they’re fictitious.) Government Executive has the details.

The Federal Election Commission has a few questions for God, Satan, and the Ghost of Ronald Reagan, all of whom have filed paperwork to run for office this election cycle.

This implausible scenario is part of a policy aimed at dealing with an influx of suspicious-sounding presidential candidate names. It’s relatively easy to register as a presidential candidate, and during the 2016 election plenty of people seem to be taking advantage of that. As a result, the federal agency is now asking whoever filed paperwork to run for president under the names “God,” “Satan,” and “Ronald Reagan’s Ghost” to prove they actually exist.

“It has come to the attention of the Federal Election Commission that you may have failed to include an accurate candidate name,” a letter sent by the commission to “H. Majesty Satan Lord of Underworld Prince of Darkness!” in College Station, Texas dated August 31, 2016 reads.

Those weren’t the only three candidates receiving warning letters. There’s an impressive list at the link, but here are a few of the other highlights.

  • Darth Vader
  • Anakin Skywalker
  • Jean-Luc Picard
  • Francis Underwood

It does make one wonder, though, what would happen if Jesus Christ Himself actually did respond with a verifiable filing. Name recognition: basically 100%. Favorability ratings? With the exception of a few cranks like Michael Moore or the entire staff of Reason Magazine it would be nearly unanimous in the positive direction. The two major party candidates would immediately have a problem on their hands and be left scrambling for a quick response.

Donald Trump:
Are you kidding me? Have you seen the way things are going today? Murderers, rapists and drug dealers running all over the place. There’s a hurricane hitting Florida right now. This is a very low energy deity and He’s weak. Only I will make America great again.”

Hillary Clinton:
I’ve always had the greatest respect for God and admired His many good works, but let’s be honest here, folks. Are we really going to elect yet another elderly white male? I notice that the Virgin Mary wasn’t nominated. And not one of the Disciples was black or Hispanic. While I’m on the subject, do we really need to bring up separation of church and state? America is a nation which welcomes all religions and we get enough of this pro-Christian agenda from the Republicans.

Somehow I doubt it’s going to happen, but personally I’m still holding out for a late entry from the Sweet Meteor of Death. A new broom sweeps clean, and that’s the biggest broom on the stage.