For years, the satirical website the Onion ran a series of stories that painted former vice president Joe Biden as a lovable, pugilistic dirtbag. In the Onion’s alternate universe, the fictional Biden got busted selling bootleg Hillary Clinton T-shirts in the parking lot during the 2016 Democratic National Convention, set up a secret pot-growing operation in the White House, drove a Harley-Davidson around Washington and ran off to the Everglades, where he was found tossing whole chickens to gators. The joke worked because it took Biden’s efforts to cultivate his blue-collar bona fides to a ridiculous extreme.

This week, however, it seemed like the Onion’s Joe Biden had replaced the original when Biden told students at the University of Miami that if he were a younger man, he would have gladly fought President Trump over the way the other man talks about women. “I said, ‘If we were in high school, I’d take him behind the gym and beat the hell out of him,’ ” Biden said, remarking on Trump’s excuse that his remarks on the “Access Hollywood” tape about grabbing women were mere “locker-room talk.” “I’ve been in a lot of locker rooms my whole life,” Biden said. “I’m a pretty damn good athlete. Any guy that talked that way was usually the fattest, ugliest S.O.B. in the room.”

I appreciate the former vice president’s intentions, I guess. But on behalf of my fellow women, I’d like to decline Biden’s time-traveling offer to prove his masculinity in our defense.