Just take a deep breath – it’s going to be okay, because you’re a Democrat. The media and Hollywood are going nuts, but if you’re a Democrat in Congress, you’re good. Hell, Teddy Kennedy drowned a chick and they pretty much gave him a medal. You didn’t drown a chick, did you? If you did, maybe you should talk to a lawyer about pleading self-defense.

Anyway, you will notice that one allegation inevitably leads to another, and then another. Turn this to your advantage by hinting that the sheer number of charges just means you’re a total player! When responding to the charges, make sure your statement doesn’t actually admit any wrongdoing. Instead, you’ll want to describe how you are “friendly” and “a hugger,” and how you are sorry these misguided women took offense by misinterpreting your innocent gestures of support for them in their struggle against patriarchy. Your message is that your accusers are all frosty nuts who can’t deal with a real man, or even a liberal one.

Be sure to close out your non-apology apology by making sure your liberal pals know that you’re still an asset.