"For decades, our Department of Education has been doing the important work of ensuring kids stay economically, civically, and socially handicapped so that they'll be reliable Democrat voters," said Secretary of Education Miguel Cardona as he packed his office belongings into a cardboard box. "Now it appears our noble mission to keep children illiterate is being threatened. This could be catastrophic for the Democratic Party."

"He must be stopped," continued Cardona as tears began to well up in his eyes.