Like most bad things in America, it is liberals’ fault. It all started when the values of college town granola co-ops metastasized to every grocery store, 7-Eleven and bodega in America. Every time a suburban mom buys a gluten-free, non-GMO, soy milk latte in a recycled, sustainable cup made with fair trade organic coffee at Starbucks without thinking about it, she bows before the power of liberals to impose their morality on us all. 

Of course, Republicans were going to rebel. And their rebellion will be every bit as stupid and intrusive as liberals’ provocation. 

They’ll make sure every fast-food burger joint traffics in dead cow meat paste instead of humane lab-grown meat paste. The food will be the same schlock, but at least slaughterhouses will still be in business. Big government will shred the First Amendment to make sure that calling soy juice by the harmless misnomer “soy milk” will confuse no low-IQ red state denizens into hurting the dairy industry. Thank goodness.