The Babylon Bee has obtained copies of the medical record and can now reveal the following surprise findings:

1. He arrived with his stool sample already in his pants: The doctor appreciated the president's initiative.
2. The suspicious mole on his arm turned out to just be melted chocolate ice cream: This was discovered when he licked it off mid-exam.
3. There was a crayon up his nose that's been pressing on the frontal lobe of his brain this whole time: Well, that explains a lot!
4. There's a tapeworm living in Biden's intestines that he nicknamed "Barack": Sounds about right.
5. His lungs are half-filled with hair from young girls: Stop sniffing so hard, Joe!