In Iowa, where the courts legalized same-sex marriage in 2009, Red Wing and Vander Plaats were early to adjust to this new dynamic. The two say they have formed a genuine friendship over coffee dates and phone calls that has fundamentally changed the ways their organizations interact.

No more calling Vander Plaats a “hater” or a “bigot,” Red Wing insisted at her group. Treat them with love, Vander Plaats said he constantly reminded his staff.

“There are times when I ask myself, before I put an idea out there, ‘How would Donna receive this?’ Because I love her,” Vander Plaats said.

Then he added: “Not that I’m changing my beliefs.”

Vander Plaats’s beliefs hold powerful sway in the state and over national politics — largely because aspiring Republican presidents, eager to court conservative participants in Iowa’s first-in-the-nation caucuses, jockey for his support every four years.