Though O’Donnell has been ridiculed for her prudishness, I actually think she’s right. Masturbation is bad for marriage. Our pornified, DIY sex culture leads to husbands who would rather go to their man-cave for an hour than attempt to negotiate intimacy with their wives—especially because many of those wives aren’t Asian. Just like we’d be closer to our spouses if we could only eat in their presence, so we would be really eager to see our wives if we didn’t masturbate. Also, we’d be much more efficient. Imagine if we used our computers only for work. The industrial revolution would have never happened if, when you pulled the factory lever one way you made a Model T, and if you moved it the other way, you saw hot girl-on-girl action…

But there is another kind of progress: It’s undeniably better for kids not to grow up ashamed of their bodies and sexual desires, which led some of them to suicide, self-flagellation, and the priesthood. Conservatives like O’Donnell argue that social norms formed by millions of people over thousands of years have a wisdom that must be weighed against progress. All improvements have downsides, and we might want to make sure our virtual sex lives don’t consume our real ones. Even if they are much, much, much better. I’ve got to go.