The jokes may write themselves, but they're not really funny.
Imagine making a movie about producer Harvey Weinstein and ending it in 2016, the year before his sexual assault past came back to haunt him.
Or an O.J. Simpson biopic that wrapped prior to that fateful night in Brentwood, Calif. This critic saw those gags on X, but we're getting a real version of that this weekend. "Michael," the King of Pop's glossy, incomplete biopic, is set to rock theaters.
Jafaar Jackson, the singer's nephew, plays the mercurial superstar, and Colman Domingo steps in as the Jackson clan's hard-charging pappy. The Jackson estate had a sizable role in the film's production, but an earlier version of the film featured direct references to the singer's defining scandal.
Did Jackson sexually molest children during his tumultuous life? It's a secret he may have taken to his grave, although in his defense, he was never convicted of such a crime.
Still, it's a massive part of his legacy, but it's one that those new to the Michael Jackson Experience won't learn from the film. According to published reports, the film's story wraps before those incendiary allegations came to light.
That wasn't the original plan. A legal technicality allowed the film's creative team to snip out alarming sequences that acknowledged his personal skeletons.
A nip and a tuck later, and you'd never know Jackson had such an ominous cloud hanging over him. That's movie magic, and the power of an estate eager to do damage control for a brand that still moves plenty of product.
So what's left? Call it a jukebox musical of sorts, one that has mainstream movie critics fightin' mad. The film boasts a sad 36 percent "rotten" rating at RottenTomatoes.com. The main gripes? Syndicated critic Katie Walsh captures the frustration many reviewers felt while watching the film.
John Logan's script doesn't just skirt the biggest, ugliest parts of Michael Jackson's story, it almost rewrites history in its selectiveness.
No wacky marriage to Lisa Marie Presley, nor the couple's awkward kiss at the 1994 MTV VMAs, let alone the scandal that haunted his final years.
Guilty? Innocent? A man-child broken by an abusive pappy? There's a fascinating movie to be made about the supremely talented singer. Critics insist that's not what's up on the screen.
Audiences? They likely won't care.
The film is set to make a mint at the box office - possibly as much as $70 million in its debut frame. Word of mouth may power it from there.
Jackson passed away in 2009 while preparing his "This Is It" comeback tour. That prep work left the estate enough raw material to make "Michael Jackson's This Is It," the documentary about his final creative impulses. The film went on to make nearly $270 million worldwide.
"Michael" could eclipse that figure.
Headlines fade. History is left to dusty textbooks. Pop culture often leaves an indelible mark, and "Michael" will exist in perpetuity on streaming platforms and whatever medium replaces that someday.
That means for future generations, Jackson won't be the freakishly talented star whose off-stage behavior might have been monstrous. He's the King of Pop, nothing more or less.
