Apparently we’re all supposed to switch to plant-based diets to save the planet or something. The first moves in this sinister plan came with the arrival of the fake meat hamburgers, sausages and other science experiments from companies like Beyond Meat and Impossible Foods. They’ve branched out into far more than fake beef at this point, but they’ve still mostly stuck to meat. Now that’s no longer enough for the plant-based armies.
Get ready for “ice cream” that’s not made from anything vaguely associated with milk, but is also built out of plant material with a fancy chemistry set. This isn’t just hypothetical, either. You can already buy it in select outlets. Rachel Sugar from Grubstreet gave it a try and found it to have the texture of actual ice cream.
It was made with a nondairy ice-cream base that came from a San Francisco start-up called Eclipse Foods. What Impossible Burgers did for plant-based beef, founders Thomas Bowman and Aylon Steinhart want to do for plant-based dairy…
“All the other dairy alternatives out there are just that: alternatives,” Bowman says. “What we’ve created is a dairy replacement.” The goal is to create something that tricks your brain into thinking, Hey, this is milk, and not, Hey, this is a creamy liquid made from a nut.
There’s already a lot of vegan ice cream. Nick Morgenstern makes it. Sam Mason from OddFellows makes it himself. Van Leeuwen makes a lot of it. Ample Hills can make it. But still, ask ice-cream experts and they will tell you, there is a difference. “It becomes an emotional connection,” says Brian Smith, the co-founder of Ample Hills. “If your mind is comparing it to being 6 or 7 and eating a vanilla ice-cream cone, it’s very hard to compete with that.”
To be clear, as a representative from the National Milk Producers Federation said when asked to comment, “The vegan products ain’t ice cream.”
They aren’t ice cream because there’s no cream involved. To have cream you need milk. Plants do not produce milk because plants don’t have teats or glands allowing them to lactate.
If you think this craze won’t catch on, think again. While most of them are the traditional, vegan products, plant-based ice cream already accounts for hundreds of millions of dollars in U.S. sales annually and it’s even bigger in Europe. And those are the ones that taste like the plants they’re made from. Now that there’s one that allegedly tastes and feels like actual ice cream, sales will probably explode.
If you’re spending your money on oat milk, soy milk or any of those other substitutes, I say cheers! If that’s what you enjoy, then have a party, pal. But you’re not drinking milk. Still, at least most of those products are somewhat… “natural.” What Eclipse Foods is doing is very similar to the weird science projects going on at Impossible Foods. They’re torturing various plant parts and spinning them into substances nature never intended. And one of the founders openly admits the product is designed to “trick your brain” into thinking you’re having actual ice cream.
At the end of the day, this is all part of the ongoing movement to eliminate all the cows. And the enemy is gaining ground. There’s only one way to fight back in an open capitalist society, my friends. Shift your diet to nothing but real beef and real ice cream. And let’s admit it… we were all looking for an excuse to do that anyway, weren’t we?