We have to set aside the obvious historical inaccuracy of Hitler being a Cowboy fan. Hitler loving America’s Team, the team of Staubach and Landry? Get real. Everyone knows he would have been a Raiders fan on the AFC side and an Eagle man on the NFC side. That’s just obvious.

Content warning, because Hitler in defeat is Hitler in full-on pottymouthed rant mode.

Update: Jessica Simpson, Super Villain.

“Ever since I was a little girl growing up in football-obsessed Texas, it’s been a dream of mine to completely bring the evil, arrogant Cowboys organization and its boorish and cocky fans to their knees. But the suave and sophisticated players on that team are nigh-unapproachable for a nice country girl like me,” Simpson declared from her Throne of Thorns, situated in the surveillance room of her headquarters. “And then I saw Tony. Instantly I knew that he was the weak link, the keystone, the only one for me to exploit.”

Tags: Texas