Your hilarious true crime story of the day. No guns in this one, just a guy throwing his weight around a little bit.

A man who stumbled upon a burglar near his house did the only thing he could do until police arrived – he sat on the thief.

Jeffrey Stephens and his wife recently awoke to their dog barking at their Two Rivers home. Wife Patricia says when he went to investigate, he found a 20-year-old man going through the back seat of a neighbor’s van.

Jeffrey Stephens confronted the younger man – who claimed the van was his friend’s – and the two scuffled. The younger man eventually lost his jacket, shirt, shoe and sock in the tumble.

And then, Jeffrey Stephens – who weighs 200 pounds – sat on the would-be burglar.

Patricia Stephens called authorities and says she looked out her window and described exactly what she saw – that her husband was sitting on someone.

When she caught up with the man to interview him later, KDFW TV’s Rebecca Aguilar asked him “Do you like being such a fatso? Why don’t you lose some weight, Porky?”