How much did I enjoy this tweet? Put it this way: I’m thinking of voting for him next year now.
The dog, I mean. Not Trump.
No, really, though, if he replaces Pence on the ticket with the dog, I think he wins 400 electoral votes. And if he ends up getting impeached and removed in his second term, hey — at least we’ll finally have a veteran as president again.
We have declassified a picture of the wonderful dog (name not declassified) that did such a GREAT JOB in capturing and killing the Leader of ISIS, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi! pic.twitter.com/PDMx9nZWvw
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 28, 2019
The only way the photo could be better would be if, against all odds, he was a chonky boi instead of a sleek killing machine.
Word on the street is that his name is Conan. Another Conan once famously said that the best experience in life is “to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.”
Conan the dog actually did that two days ago, bro.
I like to imagine the photo was taken 10 minutes after the raid, in fact. He looks happy because he just got done burying Baghdadi’s femur.
A few obvious things will happen now. One: There will be a movie made about a dog who hunts terrorists and it’ll gross like $700 million. Stephen “redsteeze” Miller is probably right that it’ll be called “Zero Bark Thirty,” although “A Few Good Bois” is also inspired. Two: Trump will try to leverage public interest in the dog, maybe by holding a ceremony where he awards the dog the Purple Heart, maybe by trying to arrange to have the dog brought to one of his rallies. maybe both. That will be a cynical attempt to exploit the popularity of a military service animal for his own electoral ends.
But it’ll also sort of rule. If he’s gonna abuse his power as president to serve his own personal political interests, better this than leaning on the Ukrainians.
Presumably reporters are right now combing through the dog’s Twitter archives, looking for something un-woke that can be used to spoil his big moment. Exit question: What if Conan is ultimately revealed to be a Never Trumper? In that case, Trump will tweet that the dog is highly overrated and actually contributed nothing to the Baghdadi raid.
Update: Here we go!
DOG UPDATE: The dog who aided the ISIS raid has an invitation to the White House “whenever he can get over here,” per senior official. The president wants to meet him.
— Katie Rogers (@katierogers) October 28, 2019