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Actor superglues hand to Starbucks counter because reasons

(Erik Gliedman/Times Herald-Record via AP)

It’s not a total rando either. It’s James Cromwell, who’s been championing left-wing causes for decades. You know Cromwell: “Babe,” “L.A. Confidential,” most recently a guest stint on “Succession.”

Today he landed the lead role in the production for which he’ll forever be remembered, the lamest “first-world problems” protest anyone’s ever seen.

I kid you not. The cause that inspired this 82-year-old man to glue his hand to the counter of a coffee shop is … the fact that Starbucks charges 50 cents extra for plant-derived milk.

You would think a devout liberal like Cromwell who’s forever looking for something new to agitate about might have heard the recent news about a leak at the Supreme Court and opted to demonstrate for abortion rights instead.

Turns out he has bigger fish to fry, like not having to pay an extra half a buck for oat milk in his mochaccino.

If the part about penalizing people for their ethnicity was lost on you, he went on to elaborate:

This issue has become something of a celebrity cause celebre. Last month it was Paul McCartney complaining about the dreaded “vegan upcharge.”

Let me ask a possibly stupid question. Why are they petitioning Starbucks to equalize the cost between dairy and non-dairy options instead of pressuring them to drop the dairy option altogether? Cromwell evidently believes there’s an impending climate catastrophe that makes reducing carbon emissions a matter of life and death. But he’s not asking Starbucks to take drastic measures to help. He’s not asking them to phase out animal products. He just wants them to stop gouging vegans.

Relatedly, I bet only plant-based beverages are served on Sir Paul’s carbon-belching private jet.

Here’s another question that’s bugging me. What was the point of Cromwell gluing his hand to the counter? Reportedly he freed himself easily enough with a knife(!) once the cops showed up and told the protesters to beat it. The superglue was supposed to extend the protest by making it difficult for the cops to remove him, I would have assumed. But no, he went quickly and willingly.

Why didn’t he and his comrades just stage a sit-in? Same result, no gluey mess to deal with.

The fact that I’m writing this post answers the question, I suppose. An 82-year-old actor staging a sit-in over discrimination against vegans isn’t even material for our Headlines section. Whereas an 82-year-old actor gluing his hand to a fast-food joint’s countertop is plenty weird enough for an end-of-the-day palate cleanser.

Frankly, a celebrity supergluing a body part to anything is practically must-blog content. It’s a PR masterstroke.

Exit quotation from Cromwell: “Save the planet, save the cows. Stop the vegan upcharge now!” That’s a real chant.