Good news: Lori Loughlin learning martial arts, "prison lingo" to prepare for the slammer

To cleanse the palate, I have no deep thoughts here. I just wanted you to know that the woman you remember from the most wholesome sitcom on 80s television, who went on to star in soap operas for the Hallmark Channel, is now allegedly taking lessons on how to be the baddest bitch in cell block D.

It’s January 3. This is, and can only be, an omen of how insane this year and possibly this decade will be. It’s not going to be Trump-level crazy. It’s going to be “Aunt Becky joins the Aryan Sisterhood and shanks people in the prison cafeteria” crazy.

I wonder if the “experts” she’s hired have already taught her the 14 words.

Lori Loughlin is finally getting ahead of the possibility she may be heading to prison — she’s hired experts to train her up in how to best survive behind bars, has exclusively learned.

“She’s knuckling down, learning the lingo and practicing martial arts to give off the impression she’s tough and to ward off potential bullies,” an insider revealed, noting that Lori, 55, “knows there will be plenty of them in federal prison.”…

“Prison is going to be sink or swim and Lori doesn’t intend to sit back and take the abuse without a fight,” the insider told Radar of the possibility Loughlin could spend up to 45 years in jail if convicted on all charges…

“Besides the physical training she’s getting lots of advice from prison professors on how to earn one’s keep behind bars,” the source said. “It’s a sure sign she knows deep down she’s facing an inevitable stretch and will need to be prepared.”

The thought of it is so absurd that it’s either complete fiction or the Loughlin-Giannulli household has already quietly contracted to film a reality show about this experience and the producers demanded some “Lori gets ready to kick the ass of the first girl she meets” exploitation footage. We’re on day three of the new decade and we might not encounter a more inspired comic premise before 2030 than the soccer-mom lead actress from “Full House” awkwardly rehearsing prison-speak with an ex-con.

Supposedly she’s been in contact with Felicity Huffman, another celebrity laid low by college-admissions payoffs, to “debrief” her about her prison experience. Key difference: Huffman was in for 14 days. Loughlin is facing 45 years, and will likely do a couple if convicted. How many shower beatings could Huffman have possibly sustained in two weeks in a minimum-security federal pen for women? Loughlin’s obviously at greater risk for misfortune given the length of her potential sentence and her comparatively greater celebrity. She’s become the face of the Varsity Blues scandal, after all, the most notorious accused offender involved and doubtless the subject of intense trial coverage to come assuming she continues to refuse to plead. She really might be a target behind bars.

Put yourself in the other inmates’ shoes: Kicking Aunt Becky’s ass is the only chance they’ll ever have to be featured in the Enquirer.

Maybe these lessons on being a bad-ass aren’t so silly, then — although she could always go the Epstein route of trying to buy off the bullies by putting money in their commissary accounts. Bribes got her into this mess; maybe bribes can help her manage it. Exit question: Shouldn’t she just start publicly begging Trump for clemency? Realistically it’s the only option left to her to completely avoid jail time. She could do some teary YouTube videos praising Trump to the skies, telling everyone how handsome he was on “The Apprentice” or whatever, and whimper that her daughters need her on the outside to help guide them in their young adulthood. He’d eat it up. If she plays her cards right, she might end up as the acting director of the Bureau of Prisons.