Obama: If you're confident about your sexuality, you don't need eight women twerking around you

What if you want eight women twerking around you, though? “Need” and “want” are very different things.

I don’t “want” 13 beers a day to cope with current events in the Trump era. You see what I’m saying here?

To cleanse the palate, if you had “former president implies that the dudes in hip-hop videos are closeted” on today’s 2019 news-bingo card, congratulations. I appreciate his family-oriented message here but (a) if there’s a problem with men prone to having multiple women twerk in close proximity, it’s clearly that they’re a little too confident in their sexuality, and (b) his tribute to Michelle is cloying even within the uxorious parameters of this whole riff.

“We need to provide for those unwilling to twerk,” says Alex Griswold, reimagining how this debate might sound in classic Obama-ese. To which I’d add, “I do think at a certain point you have enough women twerking around you.”