2020 troll poll: Stephanie Clifford 42, Trump 41

To cleanse the palate. If you want POTUS to start tweeting about Stormygate, show him this. It’ll annoy him like nothing else.

Trump’s 14 net points better within his own party *and* he’s winning independents and he’s still trailing overall? It ain’t a troll poll without a heavily Democratic sample!

The old me would have told you that this is cute and all but Stephanie Clifford, a.k.a. Stormy Daniels, will never run for office. The old me also said the same thing about Trump in spring 2015. The new me believes that we’re actually living in a simulation and the lead programmer controlling our world suffered some sort of head injury in the past few years that makes any conceivable political outcome now possible. It’s like that Star Trek episode of “Black Mirror,” except instead of the universe being run by a sadistic nerd, it’s being run by a mentally disabled sitcom writer.

So here’s what happens. Stormy wins her lawsuit in court against Trump and Cohen, earning the gratitude of millions of Americans who hate POTUS and are desperate to see him suffer a humiliating defeat in any context. The Democratic primaries begin but voters split a dozen ways among various deeply flawed candidates. Biden and Bernie are too old; Elizabeth Warren’s too shrill; Cory Booker’s too embarrassing; Kamala Harris is too far left; Gillibrand’s too … Gillibrand. They need a consensus candidate. John Kerry? Nah, he lost once before and no one really likes him. George Clooney or Oprah? No, they’re charismatic but too tangled up with the “elite.” They need a winner, someone who’s proved capable of outfoxing Trump once before. One name emerges.

And she might be game. Don’t forget, she considered running for Senate in Louisiana in 2009, pledging to “Screw People Honestly.” That’s got a certain populist shine to it.

She has the Democratic vote locked down, too — unless she runs under the name she’s more widely known for, that is. A “Stormy Daniels” candidacy doesn’t fare as well:

What’s the difference between the two polls? The first one, clearly, is just a test of Trump against some random person most Americans have never heard of. Most don’t know Daniels’s real name; when asked to choose him or someone named “Stephanie Clifford,” they’re just choosing the Not Trump candidate. You can see further evidence of that in the other hypothetical match-ups PPP polled between Trump and various Democratic contenders. Against six different candidates, he polls at 39 or 40 percent every time. That’s the share of Americans who are solidly in his corner for 2020. They’re his floor — but also, momentarily, his ceiling. His task between now and November 2020 is to find another 8-10 percent somewhere.

There was another question asked in the poll about Trump and Daniels, namely, if it’s true that they had an affair, would that be immoral? And follow-up question: If Daniels had an affair with *Bill Clinton,*, would that be immoral? Results:

Hillary voters are very consistent, Trump voters are a leeeeetle less consistent. Somehow it’s less moral to them for Bill to cheat than it is for Trump to do so. But then, Republicans have more skin in the game on this question than Democrats do. Clinton’s an ex-president, old news in the party, and not currently bogged down in a sex scandal. It’s easy for Dems to lash him hypothetically, much harder for Republicans to lash the sitting president from their party. Still, not even majority support for the proposition that it’s immoral for a married man to cheat, eh, GOP? As I said earlier, we’re in the darkest timeline.

One more. I’m calling BS on this result from the same troll poll — not the data itself, but the public’s lame opinion. The question: Who wins in a fight, Biden or Trump?

Trump has three inches and probably 40 lbs on Diamond Joe. And he likes to fight dirty! Biden would land a hard shot or two, the ref would turn his back momentarily, and Trump would stab him. He’s a member of the WWE Hall of Fame, for cripes sake. In fact, when you break this data down among the two genders, men split 39/31 in favor of Trump while women break 43/27 for Biden. Bros knew who’s likely to win the Battle of the Hairplugs.