We could talk about “Fear the Walking Dead” instead, but I get the sense that I’m the only one still watching, especially now that “Game of Thrones” is back on the air. Too bad. FTWD is more interesting than its parent, although thinner on scares. (Maybe fatally so.) We could talk about the Trump scandal du jour, an alleged “pattern of business dealings with mob figures,” but unity! requires that we politely overlook such things now that he’s the anointed leader of Real America. Besides, you can’t prove anything and everyone does it anyway and those two points aren’t at all contradictory.
So here’s a question as a change of pace: Can it be that we have yet to see a pizza whose crust is made entirely out of meat? Has that happened already? It sounds unspeakably gross but someone must have attempted it at some point as part of the chain-restaurant trend towards carb-conscious Frankenfood. KFC gave us the Double Down, now Taco Bell is giving us this. It’s a matter of time before you turn on the TV to find Papa John and Peyton Manning digging into a 16″ pie made entirely of cocktail franks. It’s a contradiction in terms, of course: Cutting carbs is about losing weight and improving your health whereas opting for the “healthy” breadless sandwich that’s held together by greasy fried chicken is like ordering a Diet Coke to wash down your hot-fudge sundae.
Taco Bell has found in the test that the vegetables somehow manage to give the meaty, deep-fried chalupa a “health halo” in the eyes of consumers. “We were getting feedback like, ‘It’s so healthy. It’s so fresh,’” said Garcia. “That really surprised us because it’s fried chicken.”
You want to know how you end up with Trump vs. Clinton as the final two in a nation of 300 million people? That’s how.
This is interesting, though. Apparently KFC did suffer a consumer backlash over the Double Down — but not because it was unhealthy, or because the idea of using meat as a vehicle for less voluptuous food is a sin against God and man:
The sandwich, which stuck cheese and bacon between two fried chicken fillets, went viral after it was announced on April Fool’s Day. While the sandwich gained notoriety, however, it also may have hurt long-term customer perception of KFC.
“People look at the Double Down and what do they think? Frankenfood, right?” KFC CMO Kevin Hochman told Business Insider. “The sad thing is that somebody in the back of the house was hand breading fillets and making the Double Down.”
Turns out the Double Down lacked the down-home old-fashioned authenticity that comes from fried chicken stored under a warming lamp and served in a bucket. This is why I don’t rule out two terms for President Trump.
You’ll be pleased to know that after the election, once I’ve recovered from my nervous breakdown and moved on to a new career, I plan to open a gastropub that serves nothing but Frankenfood. Bratwursts dipped in a sauce of pureed hamburger, pizza-stuffed hot dogs served on top of hot-dog-stuffed pizza, and a special thing I’m working on in which tacos and macaroni-and-cheese are fused at a molecular level like Brundlefly. It’ll be yuge, that I can tell you. My menu will be so full of win, you’ll be vomiting into buckets placed table-side from all the winning. Exit question: Isn’t this just a chicken cutlet with some condiments rolled up into a U-shape? How is that Frankenfood, properly speaking?