I tried the hot-dog pizza slop from Pizza Hut and it was everything I dreamed it would be

posted at 6:01 pm on June 19, 2015 by Allahpundit

My dream was that it would taste like pizza and hot dogs, and also that it would give me the trots. Not all dreams are sweet, my friends.

No, I kid. I owe you a real review after this impassioned defense of frankenfood last week. For starters, because I’m not an animal who’d mix hot dogs with pepperoni, I ordered the slop plain. Putting yourself through a de facto medical experiment for the entertainment of your readers doesn’t mean you need to give up your dignity. The dough was oddly light on sauce, which may have been strategic — who wants a pool of marinara in their stomach while it’s trying to process the mustard dipping sauce you’re using for your dogs? — or may just have been the ennui of the Pizza Hut prep room expressing itself in inattention to detail. The dogs were thin, more like little sausages than classic pigs in a blanket. They weren’t tightly encased in the crust as a traditional cocktail frank might be but slid easily from their cells, wee fugitives from a Dannemora of carbs. That made them convenient to share with pets, at least.

The taste was … how can I describe it? Ah, yes: They tasted kind of like hot dogs. And the pizza kind of tasted like pizza. Because, see, that’s all this ever was — cocktail weenies and pie, connected by a strip of dough. They could have achieved the same thing by offering a free side order of pigs in a blanket with every medium-sized pizza, but no one would have blinked at that because it didn’t have the goofy stunt appeal of actually attaching the franks to the pizza itself. That’s why all of the reviews online about how this is the worst food ever created by humans are transparent bullsh*t. It’s no worse than any other Pizza Hut pizza. It’s just Pizza Hut plus an unimaginative gimmick, the most innocuous combo on the American food landscape. Wake me when they decide to get adventurous and make the crust entirely out of Cinnabons. You sick bastards will order pepperoni on that too, won’t you?

Also, just for the record, no trots. Or rather: No trots yet.


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I can get better steaks in San Francisco and Phoenix, better sushi in Seattle, better hot dogs in Chicago, better Italian (beyond pizza) in Chicago, Seattle, San Francisco and San Diego, better tapas in Chicago, better Greek in Chicago, etc. etc…and all for about half the price of the same items in NYC.

HTL on June 19, 2015 at 9:15 PM

But not better deli food. I do not care for NYC, been there, found the residents, less than admirable, it was dirtier than hell, and stunk.

But oh my god, a sammich, some pasta salad and a beer in a NY Deli… That alone might be enough to explain why New Yorker’s are so damned arrogant and annoying.

oscarwilde on June 19, 2015 at 9:33 PM

There’s not enough ganja in the world…

JohnGalt23 on June 19, 2015 at 9:36 PM

More Allah food reviews!

J.B. Say on June 19, 2015 at 9:41 PM

But not better deli food. I do not care for NYC, been there, found the residents, less than admirable, it was dirtier than hell, and stunk.

But oh my god, a sammich, some pasta salad and a beer in a NY Deli… That alone might be enough to explain why New Yorker’s are so damned arrogant and annoying.

oscarwilde on June 19, 2015 at 9:33 PM

I completely agree, although the corned beef and pastrami sandwiches are so excellent and huge (sometimes with the corned beef topped with a little liverwurst), that I really never got to the side dishes.

I once saw a business associate eat a Reuben sandwich platter (at the Carnegie Deli) that I would swear was bigger than his head. Me, I’m a purist.

I will go to other delis to get an occasional sandwich, and they are frequently good, but they are nothing like the experience you can get in NYC.

BTW, I just remembered that there was an excellent deli in Lyons (a southern suburb of Chicago) back in the day, but it inexplicably went out of business back in the 1990’s. It was always packed when I was there (and it was a large restaurant), so I don’t know what caused them to close down. They used to have “nickel beer days”, where they would come around with pitchers and refill your glass for five cents…maybe that’s what did them in.

HTL on June 19, 2015 at 9:50 PM

Yuck. But this was entertaining….

cynccook on June 19, 2015 at 10:19 PM

Wake me when they decide to get adventurous and make the crust entirely out of Cinnabons. You sick bastards will order pepperoni on that too, won’t you?

I prefer Hawaiian pizza.

Mmmmm… ham and pineapple on a cinnamon roll…

malclave on June 19, 2015 at 10:23 PM

I am never eating anything that tastes like a Boson or his first mate…

oscarwilde on June 19, 2015 at 6:16 PM

What if the Bosun divorced her after just a year or so and she was still young?

malclave on June 19, 2015 at 10:27 PM

We tried the hot dog pizza. We liked it.

Missy on June 19, 2015 at 10:32 PM

Barbarian

mojo on June 19, 2015 at 11:49 PM

Congratulations. Nobody does that much for science. Bob Hope would have done it for charity, but he’s dead.

The question about the hot dog pizza that should be asked BEFORE “How does it taste?”, though, is “Why would you?” Even Socrates would have a hard time thinking that one through.

~~

No need to rag on Pizza Hut, though. They are to pizza what McDonald’s is to burgers. It’s consistent through most locations. That’s the mass appeal. Before hipster dufuses all became “locavores,” people on the road didn’t want to take chances with the local food, diner burgers or small shop pizzas. A case of the trots on a trip is right up there with car accidents to put a damper on things.

Sure, we’ve got a local guy (who is from Jersey) who makes a better and more authentic pie, but he can’t do the volume their assembly line can when there are home football games.

Adjoran on June 20, 2015 at 1:59 AM

Oh, and if you compare to Domino’s or Little Caesar’s, Pizza Hut pizza is downright flavorful.

Me, I make my own – dough and sauce, at least. I buy pepperoni or sausage and veggies.

Adjoran on June 20, 2015 at 2:01 AM

I would prefer my Cinnabon pizza with peppered bacon. Sweet, salty and hot is my favorite flavor. Just sayin’

kringeesmom on June 20, 2015 at 2:22 AM

The only thing I saw on the pizza hut site that looked interesting was that new pizza with the peppers, balsamic sauce, and spinach… that might actually have an interesting flavor.

Pizza hut has been terrible since as long as I can remember. Styrofoam crust. The worst.

I tend to make my own pizzas these day. I just throw what I want the dough to be in my bread maker… press go… it beeps in 20 minutes with a hopper full of enough pizza dough to make about two pizzas.

Its nice having total control guys. I make these really interesting thin crust pizzas now. No crap in them. All the toppings I want. Any kind of cheese I want.

Once you know how its hard to go back… and pizza hut… never again.

Karmashock on June 20, 2015 at 7:13 AM

Oh ye of little taste buds. Hot dogs and pizza? Not very original. You really want to be daring, then you have to try this: Yes, that is Kielbasa White Cheddar Caramelized Onions Potato Pierogies with
Deli Spicy Brown Mustard on a toasted hoagie bun, OH YEAH! http://www.submadness.com/rogie-hoagie.html

Ohio Granny on June 20, 2015 at 8:33 AM

Hot dog infused pizza…this is why the terrorists hate us.

Wyznowski on June 20, 2015 at 9:16 AM

I ate my first pizza in the original, and at that time only, Pizza Hut. I have loved their products most of my life, and I’m over 70 years old. But I will not be eating this thing. Vienna sausages are not hot dogs. They should never have let the company headquarters leave Wichita.

BTW, all the comments on NYC being surly, arrogant and dirty are right on. You can get some pretty good Italian there, though.

Longhorn Six on June 20, 2015 at 9:28 AM

Ahh, Pizza Hut. Where the name itself is false advertising.

Freelancer on June 20, 2015 at 10:25 AM

ALL Pizza Hut pizza is yuck on crust.

Carnac on June 20, 2015 at 12:08 PM

I never really looked closely at this thing before a bit ago, but now every time I see it I can’t unsee an ‘ookie pizza’ contest in progress.

James on June 20, 2015 at 8:26 PM

Wake me when they decide to get adventurous and make the crust entirely out of Cinnabons. You sick bastards will order pepperoni on that too, won’t you?

Heh. Hot Gas, indeed.

BillH on June 21, 2015 at 5:27 AM

I’m surprised Obamacare hasn’t ruled on this pizza. We have a local food place that serves ice-cream served in two halves of a donut. Feel free to add syrup and toppings. And don’t forget the deep-fried-mars-bar to finish it off.

virgo on June 21, 2015 at 8:58 AM