I don’t want to talk about it. I need to talk about it. And I’d rather not pay a therapist 200 bucks an hour for the privilege.

This is why Obama can’t be impeached, guys.

Secret Service agents dread being assigned to protect the vice president, in part because Biden’s a big fan of skinny dipping, according to a new tell-all book…

“Agents say that, whether at the vice president’s residence or at his home in Delaware, Biden has a habit of swimming in his pool nude,” Kessler writes.

“Female Secret Service agents find that offensive.”…

Between Biden’s “lack of consideration as evidenced by” his naked aquatics and his supposedly incessant last-minute schedule changes, “being assigned to his detail is considered the second worst assignment in the Secret Service,” Kessler writes.

True or false? On the one hand, it feels too close to the Onion’s “Diamond Joe” caricature to be real. Imagine him there on the diving board, a medallion around his neck but otherwise free to the breeze, grinning at one of the women in his Secret Service detail before chirping, “Room for one more.” That’s Diamond Joe. The vice president isn’t really Diamond Joe. Is he? On the other hand, the same book claims that Biden insists that his motorcade take a detour back home in Delaware to minimize the disruption to his neighbors, which causes him to be, er, temporarily separated from the nuclear football. That does seem plausible for a well-meaning doofus who’s ever eager to prove his average-joe cred. I don’t believe in Diamond Joe but I do sort of believe in Shemp Biden. Don’t we all?

I think maybe I’ll see that therapist after all, now that I’ve digested the thought of Joe Biden with the nuclear football. Exit quotation: “You guys know if any boxes arrived for a Robert Marley?”