Breaking: Terrible sporting event to be terrible in slightly different way next year

How do you solve the problem with a game where everyone’s afraid to play hard for fear of injury? Simple: Just, uh, scramble the rosters. And take away kickoffs, because those are never exciting.

Problem solved.

The NFL is overhauling the Pro Bowl, eliminating the AFC-NFC format in favor of captains picking 43 players per team regardless of conference…

A coin toss will determine which squad gets the game’s opening possession. The ball will be placed at the 25-yard line at the start of the game and after scoring plays. Since there will be no kickoffs, the kick-return specialist Pro Bowl roster spot will be replaced with an additional defensive back spot…

Voting for the game also will be changed, as conference affiliation no longer will be considered in determining the All-Star selections. The two leading vote-getters will be named captains and will be assisted by Hall of Famers Jerry Rice and Deion Sanders and two fantasy football champions in picking the two teams.

In other words, they’ve turned the Pro Bowl into a giant promo for the NFL’s online fantasy football league. There’s even going to be a televised “Pro Bowl draft,” in case you’re emotionally invested in which AFC receivers Aaron Rodgers will get to throw to in light coverage.

If they’re going to go gimmicky on it, why not go all the way? Recruit a team of college all-stars and have them play the All-Pros. The kids might actually play hard because they have something to prove. Or add a five-second play clock. Let’s see what old man Peyton can do when he’s forced to run a hurry-up offense for two quarters straight. Good lord, America: How does this fiasco get more viewers than the MLB All-Star Game?