The extent to which you love “A Christmas Story” is precisely the extent to which you’ll despise this. Bad enough that they’d try to graft a sequel onto a modern classic, but if you’re going to do that, at least honor the original by making an effort. This is pitiful Hollywood recycling at its laziest and most money-grubbing. Nearly every major gag from ACS appears in less than two minutes, except I think for Ralphie’s mouth being washed out with soap. (That’s in the film somewhere, I’m sure, as is some heavy-handed allusion to Ovaltine.) It feels like a community theater version of the original; even the wig and glasses on Ralphie seem cartoonish, a broad visual cue for someone sitting 50 rows back from a stage rather than watching a giant TV from five feet away. Congrats to Daniel Stern, who knows firsthand what it’s like to star in a beloved childhood reverie, for participating in this stinkeroo.

Consider this another reason to elect Mitt Romney, my friends. With a Republican once again in office, L.A. can go back to making terrible, terrible anti-war movies instead of terrible, terrible stuff like this.