I don’t want to post it, I have to post it. For three reasons: (1) After multiple HA items about the idiotic excesses of anti-Bristol sentiment, you deserve closure; (2) the prospect of war on the Korean peninsula is attracting a few dozen comments per post while the prospect of war among DWTS voters is attracting a few hundred, in which case let’s go where the traffic action is; (3) the possibility of Bristol winning and ushering in some sort of media/liberal rage apocalypse is real, and therefore newsworthy. Anything could happen if she pulls it off — Twitter crash, major metropolitan riots, maybe even an impromptu White House presser in which The One calls for calm and proposes a beer summit between Bristol and Jennifer Grey.

Notwithstanding the fact that the show’s voting system was overwhelmed last night with a “record amount of activity,” I’m predicting that Grey wins in a squeaker. If I’m wrong, then one of two things will happen. Either Bristol will go the classy route and decline the trophy on account of the fact that Grey deserved to win or she’ll just totally exult in victory, which would be messed up but loads of fun to watch. I’m honestly not sure which outcome to root for.

I’ll leave you with three words to meditate on as you try to grasp the full extent of the insanity surrounding this show: “Bomb-sniffing dogs.”