Federal judge Lewis Kaplan has sentenced former FTX crypto wiz and Democratic moneyman Sam Bankman-Fried to twenty-five years in the slammer. For the peculiar, truly twitchy criminal who was convicted of securities fraud after bankrupting his cryptocurrency exchange and a mutual fund, it has to be a victory of sorts, as prosecutors were out for a term of 40-50 years. For all SBF's lawyers argued that he deserved no more than five years or so in the hoosgow by virtue of that same innate oddness, the judge was having none of it. 

This felonious freak, the judge basically said, would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

FTX founder Sam Bankman-Fried was sentenced to 25 years in prison on Thursday for the massive fraud and conspiracy that doomed his cryptocurrency exchange and a related hedge fund, Alameda Research.

The sentence in Manhattan federal court was significantly less than the 40 to 50 years in prison that federal prosecutors wanted for Bankman-Fried, but it was much more than the five to six-and-a-half years suggested by his attorneys.

“There is a risk that this man will be in position to do something very bad in the future,” Judge Lewis Kaplan said before sentencing the 32-year-old and ordering him to pay $11 billion in forfeiture to the U.S. government.

For such an ungainly, unattractive guy, he sure had the world bamboozled. 

...Bankman-Fried’s lawyer Marc Mukasey, in asking Kaplan for leniency, focused on his client’s psychological problems, noting that his mother said Bankman-Fried had “terrific sadness at his core,” which has been “a constant presence in his life.”

Mukasey noted that Bankman-Fried once wrote in his journal that he “doesn’t feel pleasure or happiness.”

“Sam was not a ruthless financial serial killer who set out every morning to hurt people,” the lawyer said.

Instead, “He’s an awkward math nerd” with a “tireless work ethic,” said the lawyer, who also compared the FTX founder to “a beautiful puzzle.”

Oh, give it a rest.

In his defense, I will say he could never have pulled this off without a whole lot of other supposedly older and wiser "investment" types and analysts losing their frickin' minds over him. Who wouldn't feel safe dumping in the cash when the entire financial world was in love with the weirdo WunderKind. 

Sequoia took down their SBF profile but the internet ensures it will live forever pic.twitter.com/0P3DWookmY

— BuccoCapital Bloke (@buccocapital) March 28, 2024

Seriously. And look who THEY roped in.

One of the great commercials of all time. Congrats SBF! pic.twitter.com/5sGYOuGkvd

— The Klendathu Cap (@KlendathuCap) March 28, 2024

Who wouldn't want to play in SBF's FTX sandbox?! Even Tom Brady and Gisele were there!

HAY-YULL, YEAH - I'M IN!

Everyone was in...until they weren't.

It's still surprising SBF even drew that much time from Kaplan. Consider how much effort and how many contortions the justice department went through in tough-on-crime theater while jettisoning charges left and right against the once celebrated and sought-after campaign finance bagman. It's shocking there was anything left for a jury to actually convict SBF of.

From the ludicrous moment DoJ cited the international ramifications of upsetting our relationship with the Bahamas as Reason #1 to drop the first group of charges...

...Even after he got nailed on federal bank fraud and money laundering charges – some of which have been peeled away and dropped thanks to worry over friction with the mighty nation of “The Bahamas”…

Federal charges against him seem to drop like the balance in his FTX account. One minute he’s charged with a federal campaign violation, and the next minute…

WHERE’D IT GO?

…people are still singing his praises. He’s just so damn cute for a young guy, no?

“I have to say Sam Bankman-Fried is quite an impressive guy. I mean, he’s a young man, he just turned 30, his business acumen is absolutely amazing…”

...people were still tip-toeing around this goofball. Probably because he knew where the bodies...or canceled checks were buried? I'm just guessing here.

Beto returned $1 million. Booker, Boozman, Cassidy, Collins, Hoeven, Manchin, Stabenow, Welch, Gottheimer, Carbajal, Neguse, Harder, Schrier, Ritchie Torres, all donated to charities. Unclear if DNC, DSCC, DCCC & Pacs returned. Gallego kicked his $ to another D candidate🤦🏻‍♀️

— Lisa (@politeracy) March 28, 2024

As late as this January, David was covering yet another set of dropped charges against the light-fingered, bad-at-math crypto kid. Only this last batch of "never minds" were the ones that would have forced revelations on exactly who and how much SFB was funneling cash to in the Democratic hierarchy.

...Nothing to see here. Move along.

That is the message from the prosecutor in the Sam Bankman-Fried case, as he notified the judge that the government would not be pursuing a trial in the charges not adjudicated in SBF’s trial over defrauding customers.

What charges are affected? Maybe it really is no big deal since the prosecutor tells us that the judge has all the information he needs to sentence SBF to a nice long sentence.

The charges that are dropped relate to bribery of politicians and illegal campaign contributions.

It's a blue world we live in.

All of them should be in prison because all of them are complicit in this theft. Madoff got 150 years for less.

— Killuminati_A.I. (@Enki1561) March 28, 2024

We'll see how long he actually gets once the appeals are done.

On the upside, he won't be out there helping the rest of the Dem dark money swing this election.