I was trying to think of a way to break this to you gently, but couldn’t.

We’re all adults here, so…suck it up.

They’re messing with favorites again.

At least with the Kraft “Macanoni” as my precious niece called it when she was 3, you still have the option to buy the iconic blue box and powdered orange magic that pours out of the paper envelope.

They wanted to have something to offer to vegans who might be craving boxed macaroni and cheese. Now, I wasn’t aware that was a large enough demographic to be worth the research that had to go into this before it actually made it to the manufacturing floor, but good on Kraft for giving it the old college try.

It sounds ghastly to me.

For the first-time ever, the household staple is going plant-based with a new version of the boxed favorite that contains a dairy-free alternative to its signature cheese. It’s called “Kraft NotMac&Cheese” and will soon roll out on grocery store shelves in two flavors — original and white cheddar with shells — each priced at $3.49 per box.

Kraft partnered with NotCo., a company that makes plant-based foods, to create the new mac and cheese alternative, which is in response the growing hunger for “better-for-you” products from American consumers.

The company is joining a growing trend: Plant-based product sales surged 19% last year to $11 billion, according to research firm NIQ.

They do point out a truism – it’s very, very hard to make a dairy substitute taste good, less mind remotely like the beloved product you’re trying to substitute for. This could be a gold mine or a box full of New Coke.

…But there’s a risk for Kraft, too: Customers who have tried dairy-free alternatives sometimes don’t like the taste – and they often don’t give brands a second chance.

“Curiosity is a major factor in trying plant-based foods and beverages,” Sherry Frey, vice president of Total Wellness at NIQ, told CNN. “Those who tried animal product alternatives once or twice but did not continue said taste was the biggest reason. This was highest for the dairy milk alternatives.”

Hopefully, they hang on to smiley noodles as opposed to upside down frowns.

…Last year, Kraft also tweaked the name of its boxed macaroni and cheese to “Kraft Mac & Cheese,” which is “meant to reflect the way fans organically talk about the brand.” The packaging also got a makeover with a refreshed logo and a single-hue blue box color that “amplifies the brand’s most recognizable asset — the noodle smile.”

But that’s a tiny, kind of safe step to expand your product offerings. Not so for McDonald’s, who have apparently spent the better part of the last decade working on re-working their iconic burgers.

No More Dry Burgers: McDonald’s Overhauls Its Biggest Item
In the heated competition for hamburger dominance, the fast-food chain has spent seven years making over its signature offering

ARE THEY SMOKING KETCHUP?!

Honest to goodness – that takes some nerves of steel. And they’re starting with the premier sammich – the Big Mac.

…The changes are now rolling out in the U.S., including on its Big Mac. The two all-beef patties are cooked in smaller batches for a more uniform sear. There’s more special sauce. The lettuce, cheese and pickles have been rethought to be fresher and meltier, and the bun is now a buttery brioche, with the sesame seeds more randomly scattered for a homemade look.

The more than 50 tweaks on its burgers add up to the Chicago-based company’s biggest upgrades in decades to its core menu. With increased competition in the burger market—especially from higher-end, fast-casual burger chains such as Five Guys—executives decided to revamp some of the industrial-scale techniques that have produced cheap, uniform burgers. In some cases, McDonald’s is reviving practices it scrapped long ago in a push for efficiency.

Let the burger wars begin.

…The company is pushing to maintain its momentum as the economy threatens to slow and competition grows. The U.S. burger market brings in an estimated $136 billion in annual food-service sales, according to research firm Euromonitor.

Earlier this year, McDonald’s came in 13th among U.S. chains based on the number of recent customers calling their burgers desirable, with only 28% of respondents saying they crave them, according to a survey of about 49,000 consumers by market research firm Technomic. White Castle led the list with 72%, and Burger King followed at 52%.

Sales for higher-end, fast-casual burger chains are growing faster than traditional players, Technomic said. Newer chains like Smashburger, Five Guys and Shake Shack have popularized the smash-burger technique—placing a round wad of beef on a hot grill and mashing it flat with a spatula to produce thin, flavorful patties.

It makes me wonder how the questions on the survey were phrased, though. I mean, McDonald’s and Five Guys aren’t even in the same ballpark, but I’m stopping at a McDonald’s every road trip for those double-cheeseburgers and fries that nestle on the console between the seats. And still taste good a couple hours later when I polish off the second one. I can’t even imagine driving and eating a Five Guys meal. And the wait at, say, a Steak and Shake – shoot. I could pass another birthday before I ever got my order.

So from a road food perspective, don’t mess up an old reliable, huh? Please?

…“One is hotter,” Schafer said. “It looks meltier. Look at how my fingers sink into the bun. Smell it and you smell a big difference.”

He lifted up the standard double cheeseburger. “This one, it’s kind of dry. It cracks,” he said. “And this is the best-case example at headquarters.”

After testing the new version in Australia, McDonald’s is now bringing the results to its 13,460 locations in the U.S., the chain’s biggest market. It began with West Coast restaurants earlier this year and Midwestern stores over the summer. McDonald’s aims to have all U.S. locations onboard by early 2024.

The company has high hopes for the revamp, which applies to most of the burgers on its core menu. McDonald’s Chief Executive Chris Kempczinski said in an October investor call that its Australia operations reached an all-time high in burger market share after it implemented the Best Burger strategy there. “Great-tasting burger perceptions continue to grow,” he said.

Yeah. I always test my American food on Australians – WHUT. I mean, I love the Aussies to death, but as far as an American icon’s future is concerned?

For God’s sake, those people eat saucy beans on airplanes for breakfast!

Anyway, McDonald’s is having franchisees make sure their people spruce up the cooking lines and generally get things ship shape for the new less-dry labor of love.

…In preparation for the U.S. launch, the company since last year has pushed franchisees to clean toasters daily, closely monitor their grill’s temperature controls and avoid keeping patties in holding cabinets for too long, according to a company message viewed by The Wall Street Journal.

“This isn’t one of those ‘hello and you are done’ kind of rollouts,” the company said in an internal video training for owners.

I hope this doesn’t turn out like changing the cream filling in Twinkies. Gack. Destroyed them.

What a year.