And on the 21st day of the 8th month they came to see

And so it was foretold by the American ancients that in the year 2017 a sudden darkness would fall upon the land, or some of it anyway. And the Sun would flee the Earth sky, starting on the summer morn of the 21st day of the eighth month and runneth into lunch hour for some.


And this rare phenomenon would causeth great concern and excitement among the peoples and their media priests who had never seen such a fearful thing in all their lives, unless they were 99 years old.

So important was this brief cataclysm deemed in the absence of serious late summer news, that these priests would speaketh of it for many days in advance to excite the people to watch their channel and to the exclusion of much other talk, even the banishment of a national elder called Bannon.

In those distant days, vast throngs of seemingly normal humans would feel strangely compelled to assemble their family unit and mount motorized chariots to make a pilgrimmage to a holy strip of land some 70 miles wide and about 2,000 miles long.

There, T-shirts and the Sacred Tablets of the Elders had predicted the God of Sun would deny Earth light on that day as passing punishment for watching TV shows about a bachelorette and a strange tribe of females called Kardashians, who shoppeth for clothing and became famous for being famous.

These chariots would lineth up for mile upon mile, patiently waiting for many someones up front to move, hopefully before the midday darkness fell. Or not. Some would find gas stations out of fuel and pay $100 one-day parking tribute to landholders to witness a passing darkness of up to two minutes-40 seconds.

Days in advance many humans had gathered in rural fields strewn with tents, fast-food coverings and porta-potties. There, they slept in strange groupings and smoketh strange paper cylinders of grass in honor of the celestial event and any other excuse that came to drifting minds. Many studied clouds for signs of something.


Others felt the need to render their garments upon the ground and to move rhythmically with persons of another gender.

Others were so affected by the looming event that they paid artists with buzzing needles to make permanent markings of the solar eclipse upon their skin that they will one day need to explaineth to inquiring young minds.

And total darkness would falleth upon the land long enough to cause grazing cows to continue grazing and birds to ponder roosting prematurely. Government priests had warned the throngs not to looketh directly at the God of Sun, so strong was the celestial presence that he could blindeth you for impudence. However, special protective eyewear was available at a ridiculous price that mounteth as the moment neared.

Some paid $40 for an eclipse T-shirt that would soon go in a drawer for future generations possibly to marvel at the price.

So rare is this total solar eclipse event that Americans must wait seven years for another. The priests of television would talketh of this phenomenon all day and night until they didn’t, becauseth something else meaningless cameth up.

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John Stossel 12:01 AM on November 30, 2023