Valerie Plame: Give me $1 billion and I'll put an end to Trump's Twitter account

Remember Valerie Plame Wilson? She’s the former CIA agent who got outed by Richard Armitage in the lead up to the Iraq war. She seems to be looking for a return to the media spotlight with her latest scheme to silence President Trump on Twitter. Her plan is to raise $1 billion dollars to buy a controlling share of the social media platform and then kick Trump off. Her GoFundMe page, which has so far raised about $3,000, says this is necessary to prevent nuclear war with North Korea:

Twitter is a publicly traded company. Shares = power. This GoFundMe will fund the purchase of a controlling interest in Twitter. At the current market rate that would require over a billion dollars — but that’s a small price to pay to take away Trump’s most powerful megaphone and prevent a horrific nuclear war…

As commander-in-chief Trump has absolute authority to make good on these threats. The nuclear briefcase follows him everywhere. He can pick up the phone at any moment he can pick and order a nuclear strike. That’s why the world takes his words so seriously.

There’s a real danger that Trump’s tweets could actually start a nuclear war. Let’s delete his account before that happens.

According to Google, Twitter’s current market capitalization is $12.39 billion. So even if you had a billion dollars in your wallet, you could only buy about 8% of the company’s stock. That would certainly give you a seat at the table but it wouldn’t be a controlling share of the company. Simply put, you can’t silence Trump with a billion dollars. But Plame has a backup plan:

If we can’t get a majority interest, we’ll explore options for buying a significant stake in the company and champion this proposal at the annual shareholder meeting. If that’s impossible for any reason or if there is a surplus from this campaign, 100% of the balance of proceeds will be donated to Global Zero, a nonprofit organization leading the resistance to nuclear war.

Plame is not going to be able to raise $1 billion on Twitter. Anti-war nostalgia for the 90s (and a terrible feature film) only takes you so far. Other than that, this plan is right up there with Dr. Evil’s best work. In fact, she’s already $3,000 ahead of the guy who is trying to fund sharks with laser beams on their heads.

After the big confrontation at the shareholder’s meeting, which would fail, Plame can sell off her $1 billion in Twitter stock and buy a secret submarine base under a volcano. It’ll be almost like being back at the CIA.

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