Since it seems to be a week for stories like this, perhaps we should turn it into some sort of a contest. Which is dumber… the lawsuit against Ben & Jerry’s over whether or not their cows are actually happy or the lawsuit against Burger King claiming that the plant-based Impossible Whoppers are “contaminated by meat?”

That’s the claim being made by at least one vegan (who is apparently hoping to turn it into a class-action lawsuit), and he wants the fast food giant to pay up. So is he claiming that they’re sneaking real beef into the fake beef? That the chemical enzymes used to produce these monstrosities have some sort of animal protein in them? Nope. He’s outraged that the Impossible Whopper is cooked on the same flame broiling grill where they prepare the beef patties. And that means there are… gasp… “animal byproducts” on it. (Yahoo Finance)

Burger King was sued on Monday by a vegan customer who accused the fast-food chain of contaminating its meatless “Impossible” Whoppers by cooking them on the same grills as its traditional meat burgers.

In a proposed class action, Phillip Williams said he bought an Impossible Whopper, a plant-based alternative to Burger King’s regular Whopper, at an Atlanta drive-through, and would not have paid a premium price had he known the cooking would leave it “coated in meat by-products.”

The lawsuit filed in Miami federal court seeks damages for all U.S. purchasers of the Impossible Whopper, and an injunction requiring Burger King to “plainly disclose” that Impossible Whoppers and regular burgers are cooked on the same grills.

So this brave vegan is concerned that there might be residual specks of burger or grease on the grill when his plant-based burger is tossed on to cook. I’m reminded of one of Ron White’s earlier comedy tours where he told the story of his friend who moved to Los Angeles and became a vegan. They went out to lunch and the friend ordered soup and a salad. He then started looking nauseous and said that he feared there might have been beef broth in the soup. Ron replied, “your system is kicking back broth? Oh, my. You’re a manly man.”

Be that as it may, the customer is always right, so Mr. Williams must have a point here, yes? Perhaps not. Burger King pointed out that “a non-broiler method of preparation is available upon request.” Wait a minute. What’s the “non-broiler” method? Dana Worth of Impossible Foods had the answer. “For people who are strictly vegan, there is a microwave prep procedure that they’re welcome to ask for in any store,” she said.

My, oh my. A fake beef burger tossed into a microwave. I bet you’re getting hungrier just reading the words.

Getting back to Mr. Williams’ original complaint, one other question comes to mind. If you’re an actual vegan (as opposed to a “flexitarian” who is looking for more plant-based options), why are you out shopping for burgers to begin with? Isn’t that sort of antithetical to the entire vegan credo? I mean, these “burgers” aren’t just designed to look like meat. They go out of their way to specify that they’ve been genetically engineered to taste like meat. Heck, they even put in yet another weird compound that makes them bleed.

Just for the record, they make them “bleed” with a genetically engineered compound called Leghemoglobin. A little more research reveals that human beings “have never consumed Leghemoglobin as food before.” And the FDA never had any independent testing done on it. Bon Appetit, vegans!

In any event, the bottom line I’m trying to get at here is that vegans are against the consumption of anything even vaguely related to animals, right? And it’s not just a health thing. It’s a philosophy. So why are you out there cruising around looking for Whoppers of any species? Is your dedication to the cause flagging or are you just starting to regret some of your life decisions?

It’s all part of a socialist plot to get rid of all the cows, anyway. And thus far it’s turning out to be frighteningly effective. So get out there and have a steak or a real burger tonight, folks. Somebody has to keep the beef industry in business or your children will all be living on twigs and leaves.