Out: "Impossible burger." In: "Impossible sausage"

Now they’re simply going too far. First, we learned that a collection of mad scientists were working in their secret laboratories producing meat grown in test tubes. That sounded like it might be harmless enough since it was madly expensive to produce and looked more like shoe leather than anything else. And so, most of us remained silent and nobody stopped them.

Then, before we knew what was happening, Burger King suddenly announced the “Impossible Whopper.” The burger in it was made out of some sort of genetically engineered plant enzymes. It was a horrifying development, but they’re a private company operating in the free market so there wasn’t much to be done.

And now, with Pandora’s Box already being open, we’re going to be subjected to the Impossible Sausage. Why? Because someone believes that “meat made from cows is destroying the planet.” (CBS San Francisco)

First there was the Impossible Burger, now there is the Impossible Sausage.

KPIX 5 went inside the test kitchen at the Impossible Foods headquarters in Redwood City, where the plant-based startup cooked up meatless sausage patties for breakfast sandwiches.

The sausage is made from the same platform as the burger, but with mildly different ingredients. The company uses heme, a protein molecule from soy plants that gives meat its juicy texture. The fat is from sunflower oil.

Oh, yum! A soy-based “protein molecule” mixed with fat from sunflower oil. Just makes you want to run out back and fire up the grill right now, doesn’t it?

Don’t be lulled into complacency by thinking that nobody would be crazy enough to pawn this off on the public. Little Ceaser’s is already offering an Impossible Supreme Pizza with this “sausage” on it in select test markets. If it catches on they’ll be selling it nationwide. I assume (or at least, Dear Lord I hope) that they have to tell people what they’re putting on the pizza and not just passing this off as sausage. There must be some sort of FDA regulation covering that, not to mention the laws of God and nature these people are already violating.

The article includes a quote from Celeste Holz-Schietinger, the Director of Product Innovation at Impossible Foods. She declares that “meat made from cows is really destroying our planet right now, so we need to be a solution so that people, consumers have a choice to eat more sustainably and nutritionally but not sacrifice on the delicious product.”

Really, Celeste? If you’re that worried about cows you could turn your attention to a more direct solution. Kill all the cows. That’s what I’ve been trying to do for years… one steak at a time.

Sadly, it’s too late now and humanity is probably doomed. We could have nipped this in the bud if thousands of us had picked up pitchforks and torches and marched on their mad scientist laboratory in Oakland. But instead, we did nothing, and now the demons are pouring out of the portal. We have only ourselves to blame.