As if things weren’t bad enough in Europe, now the cows are being subjugated. Or at least that’s the opinion of the German Animal Protection Federation, which is apparently a thing there. They have a beef with the farmers in the area (sorry) and want their demands met. Specifically, they want the bells to be removed from the cows. (Latin American Herald Tribune)

The German Animal Protection Federation demanded on Monday the removal of all cowbells, which bring suffering to cows due to their heavy weight and deafening sound.

“To expect something like this of an animal just for traditional reasons should be completely rejected,” Nicole Bruhl, president of the Bavarian branch of the German Animal Protection Federation, said on Monday.

They clearly feel they have a vested steak in the cows’ best interests. (Sorry) Never ones to be unreasonable, the GAPF offered an alternate solution to keep all parties happy: just equip all the cows with GPS. Nope… that one wasn’t a joke. This was the actual solution offered.

Thinking back to when I used to help out on my uncle’s farm as a boy, we actually didn’t have bells on the cows. There were, however, bells on the bulls. You didn’t want them sneaking up on you. (If you’ve never spent any time inside a pen with them, let me assure you… an ill tempered bull can be both sneaky and exceedingly dangerous.) Even if we’d had GPS back in the day I can’t see my relatives ponying up the cost to equip all the livestock.

But seriously, have you ever seen the neck of a cow? They’re huge. They are also incredibly strong animals. After you bell them they learn to ignore the sound in a matter of minutes and go about their cow business, whatever that may be. I’ve yet to see any ill effects on cows from wearing cow bells.

These folks should pack up their show and move to America. They’d fit right in. You may recall the recent incident where Chris Christie was speaking at the Iowa fair and the protesters showed up to complain about pig crates or whatever the issue of the day was.

Republican presidential candidate and New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie brushed off an animal rights demonstration that briefly interrupted his speech at the Iowa State Fair Saturday after activists leapt on stage to protest the use of hog crates.

“It’s fine, I feel really good about the fact that I’ve stood strong for the rights of farmers in Iowa to make the decisions that they think are best to raise their livestock,” Christie said Sunday on “Fox and Friends” of the protest.

“When something like that happens, and I’m here in Iowa — man, I feel right at home,” Christie quipped Saturday after the protesters were removed from the stage. “Feels like I’m back in Jersey for a couple of minutes!”

Clearly this thread only has one place to go from here: