Michigan

Gov. Umbridge — sorry, Whitmer — has outdone herself and produced some fluently nonsensical lockdown restrictions. Whitmer has ordered stores to stop selling ‘paint, carpets, and other home-improvement material’ deemed nonessential. Stores like Home Depot are open, but with random sections of the store shut down. ‘You can put up drywall,’ one anguished Michigander noted, ‘but you just can’t paint it right now because that’s not essential.’ The good news for gamblers is that stores are still permitted to sell lottery tickets. For reasons that only the all-wise and supreme leader Whitmer can understand, motorized boats are disallowed, but non-motorized ones are not.

Michigan is all at sea on dry land too. Other daft policies include a shutdown of lawn maintenance providers and a ban on traveling from house to house. Michiganders have been stopped from traveling to their vacation homes and from visiting their loved ones. All violations of the lockdown policies may earn citizens a fine of up to $1,000 and possible criminal penalties.