Maybe I’ve let hipster espresso drinks and blue-checkmark elitism cloud my brain from realizing that akshually, the truth is out there.

I wanted to explore this possibility so I dove deep into the MAGA web, suffered through several slurry interviews with Rudy, and even watched a couple Hannity segments in order to put together what I believe to be the definitive version of events according to Trump and his most obsequious allies.

But before you read further, I implore you to reject your implicit biases, have a glass of peaty scotch, and open your mind. Because if you are a stubborn, TDS-afflicted partisan this is not the story for you. For the rest of you, prepare to be redpilled by a story so shocking it may scar your soul until the end of days.