American romance has evidently degraded to the point that the new king of suburban hearts is none other than an unemployed trust fund baby who is resolving a midlife crisis by running for president.

Ladies, we need to have a chat about standards and Robert Francis O’Rourke.

It began pretty normally: An insurgent young candidate was running against a personally unlikeable incumbent (sorry, Ted). The insurgent performed well in debates, was comfortably Gen X, and telegenic enough. A magazine cover here, a celebrity cameo there, the Beto buzz was very high, but still within the range of Rubio 2013 or Obama 2008.