Second, a hot dog isn’t served between two slices of bread. And — tellingly — when some monsters do make “hot dog sandwiches,” they slice hot dogs like a serial killer hiding the body and lay the slices flat on the slices of bread as if they were a handy tarp.

Speaking of serial killers, as Hannibal Lecter said, “First principles, Clarice. Simplicity. Read Marcus Aurelius. Of each particular thing, ask what is it in itself? What is its nature?”

Forgive me for calling you Clarice, unless that’s your name. But when we eat a true sandwich, we do so with separated slices of bread, held in rough alignment with the horizon. If you ate a ham sandwich the way we eat a hot dog, with the visible meat facing skyward, you would need a dislocating jaw, like a viper or Sidney Blumenthal. If you ate a meatball sub that way, your balls would hit the floor and your face would be covered in sauce (get your mind out of the gutter). And if you ate a hot dog that way, you would be arrested for indecency in 29 states.