First of all, if there really were never any Lady Doritos in the making, then just what in the fresh hell was Nooyi talking about in that interview? Does the company’s chief executive just have no idea what’s going on in her own company? Is PepsiCo saying that she’s totally delusional, that she was simply imagining that her company was about to launch this new line of feminine corn chips, when really there was never any such discussion? Did she just hallucinate the whole thing? And, most of all: Just what in the flying flip is a “Lady Dorito” anyway?

I might blow your mind here (seeing as I am a “lady” and all), but when I eat chips, I would actually like for them to have a crunch. I thought it was part of the whole reason to eat a chip — for that crunchy satisfaction. Who wants a chewy chip? What would a chewy chip even taste like? Would they be wet? (“Soak your chips in water if you want to have a boyfriend, ladies!”) Maybe just a nice little 100-calorie serving of nacho-flavored sludge that comes in a purse-friendly packet that you could eat daintily with an (included!) pink plastic spoon? So appealing.

I know that PepsiCo is trying to make this all go away with its statement, but I still demand answers. Either the company really was considering some sort of sludge-like “Lady Doritos” product, which it thought would be actually marketable to people like me, or it has a CEO that has been walking around hallucinating that the company was considering it — and it hasn’t even fired her for lacking the mental fitness for her job. Truthfully, I’m not sure which is worse.