Elton John’s “Rocket Man” had been stuck in my head for the better part of the day, and as the clock finally hit 3 PM, the lights in my brain began to burn out. I had been awake since 5:45 AM, watching Fox & Friends, flipping to Morning Joe during the commercial breaks, and as I opened my fourth Diet Coke of the day and dug into my McDonald’s order—two Big Macs, two Filets-O-Fish, and a chocolate milkshake—I struggled to understand how anybody, never mind the literal president, manages to live like this.
Like Donald Trump, I’m a teetotaling New York native who loves McDonald’s, has an alarmingly high caffeine intake, and maintains a codependent relationship with Twitter that hurts me just as much as it boosts my fragile ego. So when the New York Times came out with a report detailing his daily routine—including a lot of cable news and Diet Coke—I decided that this was my chance to get inside his head, or at least turn my head into a version of his.
But I quickly learned there were some key differences between us—for starters, I’m a fake news lib who voted for a commie Jew and then Shillary in the 2016 election cycle. And unlike Trump, I am not a morning person. In fact, I’ve found that getting a regular eight hours of sleep is vital to maintaining my sanity—but isn’t becoming Trump about letting go of my sanity, acquiescing entirely to my id?