Yesterday, the New York Times published a list of “27 Ways to Be a Modern Man.” The Times’s attempt to reach out to metropolitan pseudo-intellectuals too highbrow for and cat memes and Saved by the Bell gifs is so absurd as to warrant a point-by-point rebuttal. What follows, then, is the original list, corrected to reflect the defining characteristics of a real modern man.

1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.

False. Under no circumstances does the modern man ever attempt to buy his wife or girlfriend shoes. Ever. The modern man would be better off lighting a hundred-dollar bill on fire and stamping it to ashes in the street. Never in recorded human history has a man successfully bought his lady a pair of shoes. It’s a proven scientific fact. Give her the money and back away slowly.

2.The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.

The modern man does not have confidence. He has only bourbon.