I digress on the fate of white bread because what’s mystifying to me is the profound enigma: Why hasn’t this same dynamic affected white-meat turkey? Yes, there are the foodies who claim their “heritage” turkeys offer white meat that tastes much better than what you find on those obscenely bloated Butterballs. But at $14 a pound, a single heritage turkey can free-range up to $200 for a single family-size bird.

And then when you present your heritage bird, according to some comments I’ve read on foodie chat-room boards, you’re liable to get comments like, “How come the white meat isn’t more white?”

This is what I can’t understand: Why does most of America want its turkey meat white? Why do people flock to the obscenely named Butterballs, which boast of overinflated breasts as unnatural as the silicone boobs of truck-stop strip joints or of the Kardashian sisters?

Why have we broken the chains of the whiteness that bound us to fatally tasteless white bread while still remaining imprisoned in the white-meat turkey ghetto?