The next main Thanksgiving food is stuffing. I can’t really talk about stuffing because I’ve never eaten it. The reason I’ve never eaten it is because it looks like vomit, and I don’t eat things that look predigested. You shouldn’t either (N.b.: I also don’t eat green bean casserole, obviously.)

Then there are mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes are the single best kind of simple carb. They make me look forward to one day being a toothless resident of an assisted-living facility. I basically spend Thanksgiving dinner rubbing mashed potatoes all over my face. But they aren’t really a Thanksgiving Day food! Sensible Americans eat mashed potatoes for a host of holidays, including Christmas and other holidays I can’t think of right now. Or on any day of the year. Mashed potatoes taste great on any Wednesday.  

And then there is dessert: the inevitable pumpkin pie. My family eats pumpkin pie every year made from pumpkins we grow in our backyard because we are bucolic and adorable. I assume other pumpkin pies also taste like cat food.