Thanksgiving Day food is the worst food

The next main Thanksgiving food is stuffing. I can’t really talk about stuffing because I’ve never eaten it. The reason I’ve never eaten it is because it looks like vomit, and I don’t eat things that look predigested. You shouldn’t either (N.b.: I also don’t eat green bean casserole, obviously.)

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Then there are mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes are the single best kind of simple carb. They make me look forward to one day being a toothless resident of an assisted-living facility. I basically spend Thanksgiving dinner rubbing mashed potatoes all over my face. But they aren’t really a Thanksgiving Day food! Sensible Americans eat mashed potatoes for a host of holidays, including Christmas and other holidays I can’t think of right now. Or on any day of the year. Mashed potatoes taste great on any Wednesday.  

And then there is dessert: the inevitable pumpkin pie. My family eats pumpkin pie every year made from pumpkins we grow in our backyard because we are bucolic and adorable. I assume other pumpkin pies also taste like cat food.

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