The "official record" will reflect that Joe Biden served as the 46th president of the United States between 2021 and 2025 (assuming he lives to see the new year), which is why you should never believe anything you read in a history book. The American people know the truth. Sleepy Joe has been scientifically dead for at least two years, if not longer. His body crippled by rigor mortis, his brain the color and consistency of fecal slurry. That's why we're giving this coveted Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year award to the person who has actually been running the country this whole time: Jill Biden, America's desperate housewife.

In fact, we're going to call her Dr. Jill Biden from now on. At first it was fun to mock her demand for the title on account of a worthless education degree. But considering the actual experience she's accumulated in the field of home health care these past few years—giving sponge baths, changing bedpans, and administering the military-grade narcotics that allowed our nominal leader to present as semi-coherent in public settings—we feel she's earned it. Caring for a spouse with severe dementia is never easy, even for the vast majority of us who aren't secretly in charge of the world's largest economy and commanding its most powerful military, not to mention having to put up with a crackhead stepson who once called you a "selfish silly entitled c—t" and "vindictive moron" who "wouldn't survive one class in a[n] ivy graduate program."