"Turning the Chicago River blood-red is the perfect way to celebrate our party's national convention and remind everyone just how excited we get about killing babies," said DNC Chair Jaime Harrison. "We're just bummed we couldn't use actual baby blood. Keep killin' those babies, folks!"

In addition to administering free vasectomies and abortions as part of the convention's festivities, Democrats confirmed that each night of the convention would begin with a ceremonial child sacrifice ritual. "It's important to maintain the deeply spiritual aspect," Harrison said. "Abortion forms the bedrock of what we are as a political party, so it only makes sense to showcase our celebration of killing babies in any way we can."